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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Out of Inkdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 127
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 888



    Description:
       yeah so I wrote this after waking up form a nap I neevr panned on taking, any and all feedback is welcome


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOut of Inkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    This is the shell
    an empty man
    Whose soul has been
    Transcribed unto paper

    No substance left
    Beneath dried
    crumbling skin
    How easily it falls apart
    to the touch of coarse fingers

    just tare him apart
    Hes already fading away
    Just a paper memory
    to cast Into fire

    So many words
    written
    Of love
    Loss
    The things
    He couldn't say

    paper is silent
    ink fades

    Was he really here
    Or was he
    Just an illusion

    These are the ashes
    Of a man
    Who bled all
    he was onto paper
    to never be forgotten

    Can some one
    Please tell me
    Would some one
    Please tell me
    Who I am
    I seem to have lost
    my pen




    Submitted on 2004-07-20 18:31:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is a really interesting concept.. i hate sleeping during the day cause i always wake up feeling so disoriented and confused.. is that what inspired this? sort of imposing the sensation of confusion to your writing..? that's what it made me think of at any rate..

    btw.. you have a few typos here and there (tare, and someone is one word..)..

    i especially liked the stanza:

    'These are the ashes
    Of a man
    Who bled all
    he was onto paper
    to never be forgotten'

    ...the sense of desperation.. the need to not be forgotten. it's portrayed really well.
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      cool. i especially liked the fourth stanza. and
    "Was he really here
    Or was he
    Just an illusion"
    is really cool - has that shiver down my spine quality.

    "Can some one
    Please tell me
    Would some one
    Please tell me"
    this is a bit repetitive though...

    it sounds more like a draft that needs a little polishing. i would look forward to the final version.
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      got lots of soul on paper...writing things down makes it more permanent in my opinion, so this is a concept i can relate to thinking of before...i like the idea, may i tell you what i think would be really interesting to twist on it? if you add a bit from someone's point of view, like the person who's reading this guy...dunno, somethin to ponder. i always take sh:t one step too far, so this may not even be a decent idea, but ehhh...anything's worth tryin, i figure. latah grey one~april
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      I'll tell you that this is a different type of poem that I'm used to. I'm still learning in the poetry circuit, so whenever I read something, I try to incorporate it in my writing...this free verse is pretty deep, yes. I know how you feel. I could write a paragraph, but let's just say I can relate to this and I like it.
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by raidonkid05 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, you know I love this one too. And as I told you when you first wrote it, absolutely love the last stanza, especially the last two lines. I seem to have lost my pen. What a definining conclusion. It also looks like you've messed with it a little bit since I first read it. Taken some words out, a bit of tweaking here and there. Looks good. Kudos. ~A
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this alot. it speaks to alot of the reasons why people write. in this world people are desperatley hoping to leave a legacy. i often think of how i will be remembered..
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by murf | [ Reply to This ]


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