Mood Swing, by dismal

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Submission Name: Mood Swing, dots

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Author:	dismal_s child
ASL Info:	18/F/On A Carousel
Elite Ratio:	3.21 - 440/401/163
Words:	88

Class/Type:	Poetry/Being a Teen
Total Views:	48
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	605

Description:

Mood Swing, dots

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It seems that time has it's mysteries,
and memories have their little tricks.
Once upon a time,
just doesn't do anything for me, anymore.
and I grew tired of running from man to man,
I can't imagine why everyone's convinced I've changed.
When dreams fade away,
and reality sets in,
I realised that the stone I built my life of,
was just wood and tin.
Nothing's as final as death,
but, some things should be.
Nothing's as final as that last gasp,
and nothing will ever be.

Submitted on 2009-10-16 03:55:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Oh wow! Realizing the structure of you life is not all you thought it would be is what I have realized the past couple years, and it is true that nothing is final as death, though, is death the final end? I won't go in to that. This captures things that I really like. The once upon a time line really captures the essence about how fairy tales just don't come true. I really like this poem. Thank you for posting it!

| Posted on 2009-10-17 00:00:00 | by Peacejoe | [ Reply to This ]
  I was reading your poem and it just hit me that maybe i'm not the only one who really thinks about things like this it was short, but it made a big impact. I really liked it hope to read more like it.
| Posted on 2009-10-16 00:00:00 | by Katsi039tsahente | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this poem, and I actually checked it out since the theme about teenagers are so popular, however, it is so often seen of adults writing vague poems based on their own teeanagers, giving the readers a view of what an adult thinks. However, this poem is much deeper, and you can understand already what it is like to be a teenager, and I can imagine teenage life of this poem in my head.
"I realised that the stone I built my life of, was just wood and tin.". I thought this was great, since I do see many times in adolescence that some teenagers seem to be always right, and they always know what they are doing. Some call it moody teenager, but I'd call it the last innocence of being a teenager. The person who is based in this poem believed that everything was hunky dory, nothing to worry about, but after a while they realized it wasn't, that what was in front of them was far from fine.
The last part was the part I loved the most. This poem is short, but it is short and sweet, and hits you right at the end. The way you've written the ending soften the blow, but it is still there.
"Nothing's as final as death, but, some things should be. Nothing's as final as that last gasp, and nothing will ever be." Somethings should be- sorry, I just like how that sounds. Anyway, before now the poem is explaining the story of this character, saying how life was when they grew up and what-not. Now the poem seems to change the view, not onto the past or the recent past, but the future/present. This also gives a good factor at the end of a poem- that through most of it you've written about the past, or what it seemed to be, and at the end, the character's life is described to the future or the present.

I really enjoyed this poem. I can't say I fully understand what it means to you or to others, but I enjoyed it a lot.
It is short and simple, yet it leaves you thinking, and I had to read it a couple of times.

Hope to read more of your works~

~Ekriuq

| Posted on 2009-10-16 00:00:00 | by Sadhbh | [ Reply to This ]

Hi Carrie.

There is a maturity here that has been behind the curtain in your previous work. Which is to say, it's starting to peek through to have a look at the audience now, which obviously is a good step forward in your writing. This is less about your particular inward self, and more about observations projected outward that I'm sure many, many people can relate to. For this reason, it holds weight. Your opening lines are blunt and truthful, and the tone carries through to the end.

If this can be improved, then I'd say add some imagery or metaphors or what have you. No need to weigh it down heavily with fluff, but images that portray these truths and harsh realities, interspersed at the right moments, might add something. Or not. Of course the images would have to stay consistent with the blunt tone, which as I've already stated, is consistent. I liked the image of the stone actually being wood and tin. Maybe play off that idea...I keep thinking about sounds...the sounds of something knocking against stone versus wood or tin. I dunno.

The next step? Explore outwardly even further and write about visions, ideas, philosophies, anything that stirs you, leaving yourself out of it as much as possible...you know, getting out of your own way. It takes time and patience and it's something I'm learning too. But I thought this poem is the right opportunity to say it flat out, considering your writing has improved/is improving stylistically, grammatically, etc.

Hope you and mummie are well. Baby and hubby too. :)

Alia
| Posted on 2009-10-16 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]

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