[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Mood Swing,dots

    Author: dismal_s child
    ASL Info:    19/F/On A Carousel
    Elite Ratio:    3.24 - 451/419/172
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 855
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 605


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMood Swing,dots

    It seems that time has it's mysteries,
    and memories have their little tricks.
    Once upon a time,
    just doesn't do anything for me, anymore.
    and I grew tired of running from man to man,
    I can't imagine why everyone's convinced I've changed.
    When dreams fade away,
    and reality sets in,
    I realised that the stone I built my life of,
    was just wood and tin.
    Nothing's as final as death,
    but, some things should be.
    Nothing's as final as that last gasp,
    and nothing will ever be.

    Submitted on 2009-10-16 03:55:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Oh wow! Realizing the structure of you life is not all you thought it would be is what I have realized the past couple years, and it is true that nothing is final as death, though, is death the final end? I won't go in to that. This captures things that I really like. The once upon a time line really captures the essence about how fairy tales just don't come true. I really like this poem. Thank you for posting it!
    | Posted on 2009-10-17 00:00:00 | by Peacejoe | [ Reply to This ]
      I was reading your poem and it just hit me that maybe i'm not the only one who really thinks about things like this it was short, but it made a big impact. I really liked it hope to read more like it.
    | Posted on 2009-10-16 00:00:00 | by Katsi039tsahente | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem, and I actually checked it out since the theme about teenagers are so popular, however, it is so often seen of adults writing vague poems based on their own teeanagers, giving the readers a view of what an adult thinks. However, this poem is much deeper, and you can understand already what it is like to be a teenager, and I can imagine teenage life of this poem in my head.
    "I realised that the stone I built my life of, was just wood and tin.". I thought this was great, since I do see many times in adolescence that some teenagers seem to be always right, and they always know what they are doing. Some call it moody teenager, but I'd call it the last innocence of being a teenager. The person who is based in this poem believed that everything was hunky dory, nothing to worry about, but after a while they realized it wasn't, that what was in front of them was far from fine.
    The last part was the part I loved the most. This poem is short, but it is short and sweet, and hits you right at the end. The way you've written the ending soften the blow, but it is still there.
    "Nothing's as final as death, but, some things should be. Nothing's as final as that last gasp, and nothing will ever be." Somethings should be- sorry, I just like how that sounds. Anyway, before now the poem is explaining the story of this character, saying how life was when they grew up and what-not. Now the poem seems to change the view, not onto the past or the recent past, but the future/present. This also gives a good factor at the end of a poem- that through most of it you've written about the past, or what it seemed to be, and at the end, the character's life is described to the future or the present.

    I really enjoyed this poem. I can't say I fully understand what it means to you or to others, but I enjoyed it a lot.
    It is short and simple, yet it leaves you thinking, and I had to read it a couple of times.

    Hope to read more of your works~

    | Posted on 2009-10-16 00:00:00 | by Sadhbh | [ Reply to This ]
    Hi Carrie.

    There is a maturity here that has been behind the curtain in your previous work. Which is to say, it's starting to peek through to have a look at the audience now, which obviously is a good step forward in your writing. This is less about your particular inward self, and more about observations projected outward that I'm sure many, many people can relate to. For this reason, it holds weight. Your opening lines are blunt and truthful, and the tone carries through to the end.

    If this can be improved, then I'd say add some imagery or metaphors or what have you. No need to weigh it down heavily with fluff, but images that portray these truths and harsh realities, interspersed at the right moments, might add something. Or not. Of course the images would have to stay consistent with the blunt tone, which as I've already stated, is consistent. I liked the image of the stone actually being wood and tin. Maybe play off that idea...I keep thinking about sounds...the sounds of something knocking against stone versus wood or tin. I dunno.

    The next step? Explore outwardly even further and write about visions, ideas, philosophies, anything that stirs you, leaving yourself out of it as much as possible...you know, getting out of your own way. It takes time and patience and it's something I'm learning too. But I thought this poem is the right opportunity to say it flat out, considering your writing has improved/is improving stylistically, grammatically, etc.

    Hope you and mummie are well. Baby and hubby too. :)

    | Posted on 2009-10-16 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Love written by saartha
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Are not cheap (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Cover written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Brigit written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]