Whisper by awastedsky

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Submission Name: Whisper dots

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Author:	awastedsky
Elite Ratio:	5.28 - 107/133/86
Words:	84

Class/Type:	Poetry/Angry
Total Views:	47
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	620

Description:
i'm back.

Whisper

-------------------------------------------

Never anything said
so
unimaginably honest and
I can't believe
that I'm the one
to
utter these forbidden words.

Get me out of this shell my head
I'm fighting to survive
but we're at war
and I think I'm unarmed with
anything but the final bullet.

Is it best to shoot now?

Don't tell me what
to do
I'm not
an
invalid!

Fuck
I think I've forgotten how to pull the trigger.

Back to this?
So be it.

Submitted on 2009-10-17 22:45:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This was a really good write, though I think you could possibly write it in a different format.
But other than that, I enjoyed reading it.
You express yourself in words really well, it makes the person reading this take a step in your shoes for a moment.
It really made me wonder what inspired you to write this, it was a great topic to read.
I found myself rereading it to get a better hold of it all, to understand it completely.

"Get me out of this shell my head
I'm fighting to survive
but we're at war
and I think I'm unarmed with
anything but the final bullet."

I really liked that part out of this.
It made your point come across better.
I'm not saying that the rest didn't, this part just really popped in my mind like a sore thumb.

I think that the title for this really... clashing with this write, which is great.
It really fits what you got going with this.
Though like I said, maybe write it in a different format to make it flow just a little bit better, to let it roll off the readers tongue.
Other than that, there is nothing wrong with it in my opinion.

Keep on writing, I would love to read more written from you. ^_^

| Posted on 2009-10-19 00:00:00 | by Vermalin | [ Reply to This ]
  This really reminds me of the stuff I used to write. Violent metaphors and artistically jagged spacing / punctuation.

I feel like you give yourself a lot of power in this poem, but follow up by distracting the reader. It sometimes has trouble flowing and in the end makes you come off a bit crazy.

my comments / suggestions are going to be in {brackets} as not to get confused with your writing.

"Never anything said
so {this break is very jagged. I would create a similar effect by adding it to the first line and using an ellipsis. Never anything said so... or attaching it the following line "so unimaginably honest," it just flows better.}
unimaginably honest and
I can't believe
that I'm the one
to {people these days have a tendency to split up their infinitives... but it's soo taboo haha. I would use an ellipsis here, too. }
utter these forbidden words.
{I don't know the exact way you're trying to portray your thoughts here. Are you thinking and choosing your words carefully? This is how I imagine it, and hence use punctuation accordingly. I can feel something starting here, but I don't get the whole effect.}

Get me out of this shell{,} my head
I'm fighting to survive
but we're at war
and I think I'm unarmed with
anything but the final bullet.
{maybe change this to something clearer. "My only weapon is the final bullet" "the only weapon I carry would end this battle."
Is it best to shoot now?
{I like this part. It shows you're weighing your options, but I'd like to see more. Why are you asking yourself if you should do it now? What are the pros and cons of fighting and winning?}

Don't tell me what
to do
I'm not
an
invalid!
{I feel like with the use of new lines here you need capitalization to go with it, because each line isn't expressed with the same amount of emotion. However, breaking up this sentence wouldn't be my first preference. I'd say
"don't tell me what to do,
I am NOT an invalid!" I think you can capture a lot of what you intended to portray with capitalization and punctuation as opposed to new lines and spacing.}

[censored]{. The period would make it seem like "[censored]" is an entire thought. It would become a sentence, the majority of what is utilizing your brain at the moment.}
I think I've forgotten how to pull the trigger.
{This part makes you seem a little neurotic. Please expand on this! It's very hard to understand what you mean symbolically. Are you unable to execute the final insult? Did you lose your nerve, or did you try and fail miserably?}

Back to this?
So be it."
{So be it. I would add something else. So be it; I can wait for next time, or something}"

This is a ton of comments for you... sorry if they somehow come off harsh. I've been conditioned through my classes to mark far too much as opposed to too little. I hope I've helped you in some way.

Like I said, I used to write a lot of poetry with this feel myself, and knowing that, I also feel like I know that this wasn't necessarily meant to be a polished, refined piece. I think it's more here for therapeutic value. A release of sorts. Feel free to take my suggestions, along with everybody else's, with a grain of salt. I'm looking at it with a completely different perspective than I used to.

--Fall Out Girl
| Posted on 2009-10-18 00:00:00 | by falloutgirl | [ Reply to This ]
  I think my head sometimes is like one of those old view-master reels.... every snap leads to something different, or a consecutive run of the same. Snap, also, applies to the silent conversations and arguments, where there are things jumping in (Snap, Snap, Snap) to the one theme going on.

Take cake, for instance. I would like a piece of cake. That could bring down 4 different directions/layers/voices screaming at once, over a slice of cake. ie, Cake is the last goddamn thing you need, do a sit-up/SHUTUP & LET HER HAVE CAKE, SHE DESERVES IT, SHE'S DONE THE HOUSEWORK/I don't want cake, I've told ALL of you that I want a sugar-free diet/WHERE'S MY CAKE??? WHERE'S THE CAKE??? until you're too goddamn tired in 2-3 seconds from the inner mental earthquake going on over the goddamn cake, to bother cutting a piece and eating it.

I find the line

and I think I'm unarmed with
anything but the final bullet.

terribly twistedly amusing, but I'm warped like that. The only solution takes out all the players at once. It's such a joke, isn't it?
| Posted on 2009-10-18 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, this was good, but I feel like it's lacking some power that it would most definitely had if you had decided to expand on it a bit. (I have this same problem, hahaha!) But yes, especially with
"Don't tell me what
to do
I'm not
an
invalid!"It's not really directed anywhere, and the questions it leaves you with are not, like, well it's like did he or she say to pull the trigger or not to? And who is this person who you are talking to? Is it your innerself? I don't know, it sort of almost has no direction so you could extract it from the poem because it's not really connected, although as the writer it is most definitely connected to something because you wrote it in, it's just not clear the to reader.

And I would love to know what those words are too. But definitely this would be a crazy powerful poem if you expanded on it a bit. I feel as if the emotions are getting skimmed over with your words, whereas they should be be grabbing them for the reader to look at. Does that make sense. Definitely work expanding on.

~Azura*

| Posted on 2009-10-18 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
  The flow of this poem was alright, though it sometimes broke up in some places, and even though personally I liked it, there still seems to be something missing.
When I was reading it I kind of got confused, but after reading it I kind of understood.
It is the vagueness of this poem I like, for then anyone can come along and compare it with something personal to them. However, I still really think there is something amiss.
I liked it, especially:
"I think I've forgotten how to pull the trigger."
It is hard to explain why. It seems like you got into the habit of doing something, or you started doing something, then you left, and now that your back, you seem to have change.
Nice poem though.

~ Ekriuq
| Posted on 2009-10-18 00:00:00 | by Sadhbh | [ Reply to This ]

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