Something I should've known by Zai

My mom was diagnosed for death when I was just 13,
Who knew then that 7 years was all there could ever be?
I blamed her for the loneliness that I felt in Jr. High,
and I blamed her for the attempted suicides, I never tried.
I was never the son that I wish I could have been.
I was too proud, I thought they'd never understand,
It took a life for me to realize I was a foolish kid.
(And now I sit here wondering just what ever could have been)

I'm sorry momma, that I could never see
The things that you were for me were everything to me.
I bring them for the light so that anyone can see,
These are the words I left unsaid,
the words I left unsaid.

I never said "I love you" enough, but that's just how it is.
In the family you raised me love was in the services.
When you tried to solve depression to stop my 'tempted suicides,
When you tried to keep your condition from interupting my life.
I kept these next words hidden, 'cause I was afraid they might be true.
How could I ever admit that I thought I hated you?
God! I was so wrong, with the thought you never knew,
I should have known then, should have seen it from the start.
I hated that you were trying to protect my fragile heart.
And you were giving me a future where I could learn to forgive the past.
I can't count how many times you paved me another path.
From when you paid for the counsling, to when you supported me in Track.
And when I dropped out of high school, you never turned your back.
You pointed me to U3 so I could get ahead of where I was at.
And then you kept on fighting with me, even though I hardly spoke,
Even though I didn't think you knew how much I was going through.
I thought it was better to hide 'cause no one likes it when I'm depressed,
So I learned 'what you dont know wont hurt you' and acted in earnest
To be a happy person even though I was distressed.
I hoped they'd stop worrying, after all it was for the best.
But maybe mothers do know best,
I could never shake the feeling when you looked into my eyes,
And asked me how I was and I just said 'fine.'

I'm sorry momma, that I could never see
The things that you were for me were everything to me,
I bring them for the light so that anyone can see,
These are the words I left unsaid,
the words I left unsaid.

You were a mother to me, but I'm the youngest of four,
You were a sister to six and a friend to many more.
A mentor, an editor, a believer in God,
And a wife to the best dad a family could have.
You were blessed for two years to know a grandson.
And of all the things that are said and done,
I still can't believe you're gone.
I can't go a week without crying at night,
Because I dont know what to do, and I regret what's not right.
And I regret what I can't do, even though it's not my fight.
Sometimes I think the only way is the one I'm afraid of,
And if I'm lucky, I remember what I'm made of.
But I will always be reminded of what you gave up,
And the love you fabricated was never faked once.
I know I dont have another chance to say it to you,
But they say that prayers can carry, so here's my step 2:
Dear God, please let my mom know of the words I left unsaid,
And ask her to forgive her son, because she's the only mom I had.

I'm sorry momma, that I could never see
The things that you were for me were everything to me,
I bring them for the light so that anyone can see,
These are the words I left unsaid,
the words I wish I said.

And I just wanna be strong like you,
And I just wanna keep on for you.