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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Writers Block: The Hypocritedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Texan_Poet
    ASL Info:    20/F/daydreaming
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 127/123/48
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 601
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1503



    Description:
       First piece in a while. Give me thoughts from all angles please, both what it makes you think of, how it could be improved, but please if you like it, say more than 'this is so amazing....cant tell you how much it touched me....wonderful writer....' if you like it that much, awesome. can you at least tell me which parts stood out to you? which didnt quite make sense, or made all too much sense?

    Much love,
    Lady Rose


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWriters Block: The Hypocritedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Words.

    Pounding through your head.
    Clashing,
    Crashing,
    Screaming,
    Searching for a way out.

    An opening, a dream,
    A word to give them
    Definition,
    Demention; intention.

    Heart to
    Mind to
    Lung to
    Tongue to
    Breath;
    Lost along the way,
    Directions written in
    Disapearing ink.

    Coiling,
    Broiling,
    Spiraling down
    Down past dreams
    And fears
    And laughter
    And screams.

    Trapped,
    Locked up,
    Fire destroyed behind
    Walls of glittering lies,
    Cries, invisible
    Thorn-covered vines,
    Wrapped;
    Entwined around your mind,
    Your soul,
    Your heart,
    Leading you back to the other.

    Other.

    Feral eyes and
    Beautiful smiles.
    Trials,
    Tests,
    Request the truth?

    Denied,
    Bonds of love
    Form a cage,
    The surest form of slavery:
    The willing kind.

    Fill the empty,
    Lonely heart with
    Half-truths and lies,
    Make sure to keep them
    Dependent,
    Addicted to your presence,
    Encourage them to failure,
    Subtle insults to
    Put down any thought that
    Would dare defy
    Your careful plan for them.

    Will the hypocrite ever be free?




    Submitted on 2009-10-19 13:07:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Well long time since you heard from me... As i read this peice i strangly found it to be lyrical to how life is at times. Ok now in terms of improvment, hmm... not much you need to improve for the most part your description was incredible expecpt i got a little lost in this section...

    Heart to
    Mind to
    Lung to
    Tongue to
    Breath;
    Lost along the way,
    Directions written in
    Disapearing ink.

    I wondered how this all was disapearing ink, If you could explain it through a PM for me that be great.

    OK so in review I definatly saw how you were describing the hypocrite, it as al quite an intersting read and in my thoughts one of the best i've read since my long hybernation to regather my thoughts for writting.

    Thanks for writting this it should even help me with my work a little.

    Justin Laban
    | Posted on 2009-10-28 00:00:00 | by Sepheroth432 | [ Reply to This ]
      I haven't a terrible amount to say. Yes I did like it, it reminding me of the way that I sometimes write.
    But I couldn't hear it in my head. No rhythm to hear, even though there is clearly one in there. And this is my first comment in awhile, so I apologize for it's length. And also for its content. And I hope my 'comment' was to your specifications. Peace and inspiration!

    Duv
    | Posted on 2009-10-20 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      Suggestion of something more fitting for your topic:

    Fill the empty,
    Lonely heart with
    Half-truths and lies,
    Make sure to keep them

    Fill the empty,
    Lonely page with
    Half-truths and lies,
    Make sure to keep them

    This is one tiny word change that would add to the dynamic of what I thought you seemed to be striving towards. Writers block, this was a good poem showing the frustration/elation involved with flowing or not so cohesive thoughts, hindering you from putting pen to paper or:

    Heart to
    Mind to
    Lung to
    Tongue to
    Breath;
    Lost along the way,
    Directions written in
    Disapearing ink.

    You've been quite free in expressing yourself here, but one or two of the other stanzas show less imagination:

    Coiling,
    Broiling,
    Spiraling down
    Down past dreams
    And fears
    And laughter
    And screams
    And love
    And hate

    This is not a flaw that ruins the poem, rathe it shows were you must be at writing-wise right now, which seems to be a good place for you.

    So nice piece of writing here, take a look at my suggestion and see if it improves it for you, if you feel it would go against the grain don't worry, but good job over all.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-10-19 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    179538

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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