Description: Everyone wants something they cant' have....so they find ways to have it.....I just put a little twist to it....Tell me what you think of it
Search for me online
All you want
But you ain’t gonna find me
I’m unreleased
Classified information
Buried under files of boredom
To distract you from the real thing
Because underneath all those hott girls
Is someone who is more than a one night stand.
Restricted photos
Not for your eyes to handle
If you knew what’s behind the clothes
You won’t chase surgery perfected girlzz
You’ll twist earth upside down to find your baby
Rated OMG
Bet you’ll buy the premiere ticket
Push through for the best seat available
Prepare yourself to die for the arrival of heaven
Just to enjoy the fact that you experienced it first
Google me whenever
I’m on demand
It’s hard to find a bargain
For the unreleased
The idea here was obvious, but I think you missed the mark. You want to put yourself, or the subject on a pedestal, to explain that they are not common, difficult to obtain or comprehend in a world that praises plastic, lipstick, and the run-of-the-mill woman on display.
The fact that your intent came across is good, but it wasn't adhered to as well as it could've been, and was lost even moreso in other more technical issues.
The utter lack of punctuation was a punishing oversight, lending this piece a rocky, jagged form that was cumbersome to read.
A little punctuation goes a long way, and would be suggested, if you're indeed interested in making improvements.
The use of the words: "Hott" and "Girlzz" and "OMG" made sense, due to the subject matter, but were poorly employed, and likely to detract from the piece even if used as consistently and effectively as they could have been.
Illiteracy in a write is a deterrent for most.
That said, your concept was engaging, the meaning behind this piece was well evidenced, even if a little under-expressed. I'm aware you are requesting thoughts on this piece, but my ability to supply cohesive input is a little strained with the technical issues that fail to keep me anchored to the core of the write.
Regardless, you're obviously not an idiot, and there is a certain intelligence, arrogance, and justification to this piece that is admirable.
Submission Name: Unreleased
