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    dots Submission Name: Dues Paid through Rattled Teethdots

    Author: jayisademon
    ASL Info:    22/M/SoILL
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 129/81/88
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 451
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1491


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDues Paid through Rattled Teethdots

    I've dipped, and dodged punches my whole life,
    I'm just waiting for one to hit,
    well-connected, powerful, and right on the chin.

    Let my jawbone dangle,
    and my teeth bounce like ritalin-infused piano keys under the fingers of children with all the resolution and sway of newborn trees.

    I'm just waiting for stitches,
    black eyes, and that whiplash effect,
    there is no count of ten,
    out-cold, unresponsive,
    bitterly jarred, and stream of conscious.

    I've fought back,
    mounted and swung full force,
    crushed nose, separated collar,
    forehead in the lap,
    these are my decrees.

    And by degrees, I'm exhausted,
    Looking anxiously in the corner,
    wondering "where in the fuck is the towel?"

    But there is no towel,
    sweat falls through my eye lids,
    melting my eyes in a state of constant

    I'm swinging wildly, hoping for the knockout shot,
    But still, underneath, I'm waiting for a devastating blow that will rattle my senses,
    make my frail, little frame wobble from even the slightest caress.

    Come on and bruise me,
    have your way,
    paint my face only in scarlet hues.
    I've played long and dearly for you,
    now the time has come.
    Baby you need to collect your dues.

    Submitted on 2009-10-28 12:22:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nice write! I think this is a pretty solid piece. I like a lot of the imagery. It is well thought out and quite powerful.

    Just a few suggestions which of course you can take or leave:

    I would lose this part of the second to the last stanza:

    "still, underneath, I'm..."
    I think that is implied and the poem is stronger without the words being so blatantly stated.

    Also, in the last stanza, instead of:
    "I've played long and dearly for you. . ."
    You might try something like "I've fought down to blood and bone for you" (obviously it doesn't have to be that--I was just thinking of something more metaphorical than what you have there now).

    Then at the end I'd cut it to
    "Baby, collect your dues."

    Again, these are just thoughts but it seems to me that these edits would allow those parts of the poem to sound less passive and create a more consistent voice throughout the piece.

    | Posted on 2009-11-15 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]

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