Abused by ashleyfrederick

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Submission Name: Abused dots

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Author:	ashleyfrederick
Elite Ratio:	0.6 - 0/2/5
Words:	89

Class/Type:	Story/
Total Views:	20
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	489

Description:

Abused

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as i sit alone writhing in pain
you laugh

you laugh at me, you kick harder
the blows to my face.
do they make you feel better?
or is it just a show?

the blood drips down my head onto my shirt.
you and your friends look and laugh as i cry.
as i gasp for the air that each of your kicks takes out of me.
was it worth it?
the sight of me dying there on the ground beneeth your feet.
was it worth it?

Submitted on 2009-10-28 18:48:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I think this is really good. Was it about a bully or what? It might be cool if after the intensity, maybe almost like the kid is losing consciousness (or actually dying) if the lines got shorter so the poem looked like this:
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Just a thought.
| Posted on 2009-10-28 00:00:00 | by Someoneelse | [ Reply to This ]
This is pretty powerful. The repetition of "Was it worth it?" just stung. Very good.

Out of context this violence seems just like violence. It hits you and then sits there. The title gives some context, but try using the title to add even more. A poem by Ezra Pound goes

In A Station of the Metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

Here the title allows us to make sense of his imagist poem. Try subtly giving us context here by calling it something like, "A Poem for My Father." That would both contrast with the content of the poem (making it even starker and more striking) and give us context.

The present tense that you use here contrasts with the defiant voice you use. Someone defiant isn't often abused, maybe fought with, confronted, what have you, not abused. The speakers actions seem to have them taking the abuse. It seems more likely that the speaker would get through the events and grow defiant thus facilitating past tense.

Lastly abuse doesn't often lead to death unless its a climactic sort of confrontation, in which case the view into only a part of this existence doesn't work. If the speaker is actually dead or dying these words are from beyond the grave, a technique which I think works only rarely. (If you want to see it work well read Wallace Steven's "A Postcard From the Volcano")
The phrase dying here seems much more like a distraction then an addition. Maybe something to the effect of "if I died/ would it be worth it?" might bring up the same question without the confounding ideas of already being dead.
| Posted on 2009-10-28 00:00:00 | by SupposedlyHuman | [ Reply to This ]

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