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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Roses"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 960



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Roses"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your cursive pen bled crosses
    on the parchments of my mind.
    I grow weary of destroying you
    every time your cistern soul
    spews the ticks and leeches
    in ballads of resurrection.

    It's hard to kill something
    that was never real.

    Let me rip your wrists once more
    to drain the puss of spite and malice.
    Your heart carved from babylon root
    is the silence singing in my wishes...
    Maybe when I am done dying inside
    temporal solace will bow no more.

    Maybe.

    I dare no longer stand idly by as
    your heaving keg of sulfuric tears
    defiles my thirst again.
    The symphonic truths you defecate
    will waste my entertainment no more.
    I have peered into you
    and counted the worms.

    You promised me roses,
    all I got was sins.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2009-10-29 06:11:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow!

    intense anger...the battle with self...being tired of spewing hateful words, but that is all i feel right now, so that is what must come out...

    there are so many un-poetic words in this which are used quite poetically...i really like when poets are able to do that...you do it so well...

    good strong angst in this half-beat, half-confessional piece.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-08 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Mojy's turn!!

    "Your cursive pen bled crosses
    on the parchments of my mind.
    I grow weary of destroying you
    every time your cistern soul
    spews the ticks and leeches
    in ballads of resurrection."

    I'd kill for these words! It's like this person's words are so scratched into your mind. There are words never to be forgotten by those once or still adored. (At least it sounds like you adored this person in some way).

    "It's hard to kill something
    that was never real."

    Now, who exactly did the killing here? It could be taken either way, my darling. A bit cliché.

    "Let me rip your wrists once more
    to drain the puss of spite and malice."

    Now it gets good!! All this wrist ripping and puss! *drools* I've never thought of ripping wrists, but I do cherish puss. ^_^

    "Maybe."

    I like this dead-stop uncertainty. Good negative emphasis.

    "I dare no longer stand idly by as
    your heaving keg of sulfuric tears
    defiles my thirst again."

    Ooo! Defiles thirst! 'Tis true that 'tis not right to stand by idly. Why, if we all chose to do so, we would all be cowards. Good thing we have heroes like you, my dear.

    "The symphonic truths you defecate
    will waste my entertainment no more."

    Defecation is SO awesome! (Wow. Even to me that line sounds...wrong...)

    "I have peered into you
    and counted the worms."

    Here you reveal that you've searched within this person and found what everyone hides, really. We all have a few worms. Apparently, this person had enough to have a GIANT WORM FARM! O_O Lotsa decay in the vessel of whom you speak.

    "You promised me roses,
    all I got was sins."

    Honestly, the "You promised me roses" part is cliché. But if this person truly promised you roses, keep it. I just think it's too same-same. Maybe replace it with something just as sweet to maintain the contrast of horror and beauty. Roses aren't the most beautiful objects on Earth. But I like the sins part.

    -mo-
    | Posted on 2009-12-27 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      Jesus, this an angryangryangry write. Hope you got it all out, I wouldn't like this festering.
    You manage to be both venemous and eloquent, which I can only applaud. I could never channel my rage that well, I'd end up with an angst poem, you know, 'YOU YOU YOU your fault I'm innocent YOU' etc.

    The opening of this is stunning (I'm saying it, yes). Are you talking about angry emails being sent back and forth? Whatever, really, the imagery was fresh and striking. I love the thought of anything bleeding in the mind (morbid, I know) or tearing it, I like how you ascribe the guilt to her without me feeling like you're simply blaming her. And how baldly you state it. It could stand alone as a (very little) poem methinks. But I do like that bloody mind business.

    'It's hard to kill something that was never real'- do you mean the relationship you had with her? Or her herself?

    'Let me rip your wrists once more'- angryangryangry

    'Maybe when I am done dying inside' (I hope you feel better soon, that this situation resolves itself and you can move on. keep writing it all out. don''t let it fester)

    The ending of this packs a good whallop too. 'Counted the worms' and rotting souls, right? Rotting from the inside out.

    This is really good.

    Take care.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-11-08 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, this is so cool!
    I love the eloquence of the writing even though the imagery is so repellent. I feel like I need a shower! haha. Brilliant.

    E x
    | Posted on 2009-11-03 00:00:00 | by EllusiveEmber | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is certainly scorching. There is a lot of beauty between the hatred, babylon root carved heart, to name one... I really love that. When someone turns out to be poison in human form, it's hard to burn them out of your body once they're in you... I totally relate to that. They just make things feel so ugly, and conflicted. Keep writing it out, it helps sometimes.
    | Posted on 2009-10-31 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, The best line was at the end. No time for pretty wrapping paper, deliver the blow, bow-less.
    I liked the part, "will waste my entertainment no more". Had enough, eh? It's well written and a unique way to say you've had enough.
    Very nice. You evoked a great balance of disgust and intrigue with the vocabulary. Made me wonder about the whole story, which I'm sure would be too long to fit in the poem.

    ~Carrie
    | Posted on 2009-10-29 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]


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