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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Always a broken heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dthforeverpain8
    ASL Info:    15/Female/tmon
    Elite Ratio:    3.36 - 92/158/234
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 32
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1040



    Description:
       hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........


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    dotsAlways a broken heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Don’t listen to me
    Can’t you see the traces of lies,
    Behind my eyes?
    And when I go to sleep
    I hear the words beneath
    Haunting me
    Until I give in


    Don’t let me push you away
    The deception, it’s routine
    I can’t stand getting close again
    Not if it means getting torn apart
    In the end I know you’ll only hurt
    And I won’t sit back and watch
    My heart being shattered on the ground
    I can’t handle another breakdown

    They all come back to me
    Lost, I pulled away
    Broken
    Can’t you see it?
    All I am is damaged goods
    This hearts been torn apart
    A few times too many
    To be worth your while

    And looking down
    I bind it back into one mass
    Sewn deep into my chest
    And it won’t be fixed this time
    Pierced by one final dart
    Because no matter how times you tape it back together
    It will always be a broken heart





    Submitted on 2009-10-29 07:17:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Honey-child, re. your reply to me, -- such anger at comments! YOU wrote "Always A Broken Heart", and YOU put it up for comment! YOU said what you wanted, and so did your readers. I'm sure you can write more, and much better too! Keep posting and curb the anger.
    | Posted on 2009-10-30 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      Raphael has very ably commented here. But I wonder though, how a 15 year old girl could have had so many heart-breaks, --- you seem to chuck yourself, (as though head-over heels in love,) to every guy who looks at you???
    | Posted on 2009-10-29 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      You take a very pathetic stance in whatever it is your trying to say. The rhyming scheme (wherever there is one) is very forced. What really drags the poem down though, is your insistance on speaking in clichés, even your title lacks imagination. Broken heart as metaphor is something you should earn at this stage because it's very much old hat. For one it makes your work sound like a pop song, this would be fine where it not for the emotions you attempt to convey.

    The pacing was okay and overall I've read worse poems by older writers, so it's not all doom and gloom. Still, it can't be recommended enough that you avoid topics that are chosen shearly because you feel depressed or upset. It may be fulfilling to you youself, even act as a kind of therapy, but for anyone who reads good poetry or if you were trying to get published yourself, this is amateurish. You probably have a certain skill at writing that may eventually seperate you from the crowd of blubbing drama queens but you've also fallen into the same pitfall as most young writers, using cheesey metaphors and un-original concepts to describe how awfull you've been made to feel by a person, situation or phase of your life.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-10-29 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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