No one understands the blackness ___________ and the pain that stays hidden inside.____________ You beat me down ____________ and tear me apart____________ piece by jagged piece. I'm your biggest disappointment____________ one thing that never was your plan. I'm your biggest inconvience___________ all of my life I've been in your way. ___________ I'm your biggest waste____________ a waste of all your time and money. I would love to leave you ___________ and all of your family alone, ___________ so why wont you let me go?
| Well poetry is the best form of ranting and a relatively healthy one. No one has a right to dislike your putting emotions out there. In fact the poem itself is better for having raw emotion in it. While there are some technical difficulties in the format, along with a little that should edited, the emotion makes this a powerful peice. The poem represents you and the way you were feeling at a particular point in time. That alone makes me like it. The reader can hear your voice in every line, share the emotions you are feeling. So....|
I'm definately glad I read this.
Now as for general advice. You should definately think about editing the blank lines out, maybe putting it in stanza form so that it's easier to read. At the moment the form is admittedly slightly distracting for readers. There are also a few lines that might benefit from being slightly reworded. For example:
"one thing that never was your plan."
flows more smoothly (in my personal opinion)
written instead as
"the one thing was never your plan"
You might also try playing around, substituting "I am" for I'm. Admittedly that changes the sound slightly but I can see it having a very powerful affect because of the way it continually grabs the readers attention. Case in point:
"I am your biggest disapointment."
Don't ask me why my instincts say this has a better ring. That's just how I feel.
Somehow it feels like the last line would better if you phrased it as
"so why not let me go?"
At any rate, this is all my opinion. Feel free to make any of the changes I suggested if you like them. Either way I enjoyed reading the poem and hope to see you do more. Keep up the good work!
|| Posted on 2009-10-30 00:00:00 | by Mimevas Lemqi | [ Reply to This ] || I do not think anyone should have a problem with you writing about your mother, or really anything at all on this site. so far most of the people here i have come into contact with seem to be rather excepting. |
The large lines do seem to distract, but not too much from the meaning of the piece, although i do believe it would be easier to comprehend in better form, which you can always fix later.
Why does your family dislike you? not that im asking for my benifit, but just a hint of the reason could be added to this piece for better clarity.
overall, i really liked the flow(despite the broken messed up lines inbetween). The words seem to be so true to almost any family. Everyone always wants to get away, and hardly ever can.
I wish you luck and i feel your pain
|| Posted on 2009-10-30 00:00:00 | by dthforeverpain8 | [ Reply to This ] |