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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Children Are Asleepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Linzi
    ASL Info:    24.f.wales
    Elite Ratio:    5.91 - 80/100/94
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 850
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1321



    Description:
       This is a poem about the Aberfan Disaster that occured in 1966


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Children Are Asleepdots
    -------------------------------------------


    They say, ‘Hush! Be silent now, the children are asleep’
    But I can hear their ghostly laughs, from the ones who dare to peep,
    Beneath the angels halo, they rest in slumber deep.

    Walking hand in hand with mommy, I looked up at the heap
    Of blackened sludge and slurry piled on the mountain steep
    She said, ‘Hush, be silent now, there’s people still asleep.’

    Not a bird would sing that morning, not an insect chanced to creep
    As into school we marched, each child still half asleep,
    For shortly we’d been woken from our peaceful slumber deep.

    Upon my classroom window, I watched the raindrops seep
    But there was a shadow on the mountain. The grimmer come to reap
    He said, ‘Hush. Be silent now, you soon shall be asleep.’

    The men that put the coal there, had said it would be cheap
    But their greed has caused the blood shed, the cries, the screams, the weeps.
    Beneath the blackened slurry, little bodies buried deep.

    Today would be my birthday, though I lie in ageless sleep,
    Still my daddy brings me flowers, but my teddy bear he keeps.
    He says, ‘Hush! Be silent now, my Princess, you’re asleep
    Beneath the angels halo, you are safe in slumber deep’.




    Submitted on 2009-10-30 11:26:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I LOVE VILLANELLES! I don't think you followed the form exactly, which is totally okay, that's more an observation than a criticism. Have you read Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath? ooohhh! I love villanelles! And yours too! Great words!

    Okay sorry, I guess I'll give you a criticism. The phrase "hand with mommy" is not the right tone. It seems almost... too childish. Maybe, with my mother? sounds a little clunky still... But saying mommy almost sounds too halloween creepy. And then juxtasposed that with the almost archaic structure of say, "Beneath the angels halo in peaceful slumber deep." Its a change of narrative voice that can be off-putting. Try to stay in one voice. If you are a child then the first line doesn't fit and so on. Who is the narrator? I guess answer that question for yourself.

    So... um... how do I say this... I LOVED IT. Still work to do, but the feeling and the mood and the description and the style... all great.

    | Posted on 2009-11-01 00:00:00 | by SupposedlyHuman | [ Reply to This ]


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