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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: His Name Is No More: Edit 2dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.1 - 75/182/208
    Words: 1075
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 563
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 6641



    Description:
       The second edit of my master piece in the making. Hmmmmmm


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHis Name Is No More: Edit 2dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Betrayal my friend come close to me,
    let me tell you of the saddest story that is buried deep inside of me.

    Here I stood once before,
    I believe it was a Wednesday but I could never be sure.
    I watched as the coldest wind cast a man into the snow,
    freezing him alive.
    Nothing but a contorted face,
    heart broken and his mind fully deranged.

    There I stood and watched as the sun came out,
    melting away the burdens that beseech his face.
    Giving him a second chance at life.
    But little did I know that it was not with out a price,
    a debt placed on his soul as someone he loved had died.
    He had only loved himself.
    So many secrets and lies come from believing in divinity.
    He scoffed at the thought of being a marionette to someone who he had never seen.
    Faith has many ways of making you believe.

    It was that look in my eyes,
    no wait it was not me that froze and died.
    His name was no more.
    It was a shot in the dark,
    one billion stars crashing into his mind.
    He was finished from the start.
    Just walking along where the sun had once lived for so long,
    a residual heat across that line.
    You could see he knew not of who he was anymore.
    But he felt the pull of his heart,
    all was lost until he could remember who he was.

    "Oh mother, my mother!"

    He cried out so scared.

    "Please protect me from my dreams."

    It was until he seen his reflection,
    on a stream,
    rippling deep with regrets and fears reconfiguring to match this new face he held,
    so deep beneath the skin.

    "Send me to Hell, just reset my life at the start"

    His anger was rising,
    it was a shame he had no clue who I was.
    Just another name logged deep inside his vain eyes,
    pale blue and reflections of memories still stirred,
    making the waters of the mind murky,
    deceptively deep and alluring for the weak.
    He would drown...

    Here I stand,
    let me tell you of that hand reaching out from underneath the freezing waters of days long dead and gone.
    Flowers cast to his name,
    forgotten who I, who he was in youth.

    Am I just another name?
    Just another forgotten face?

    Oh would’t it be easy to, so easy to tell the truth?

    Maybe...

    Melancholy my lovers come a bit closer,
    Please wrap your hands around my throat.
    Force from me these words I wish only to speak once more,
    yet I am just so self obsessed with who he was.

    His name was no more, he forgot it all.
    His name was once loved and adored, he has forsaken it again.
    His name was strong and true, yet his face dies, so pale and blue,
    lacking life, lacking any desire other than to forget who I am.

    His name was no more. It couldn't’t be yours.
    His name was no more. It was mistake to share this story with the world.

    Every year on the eve of his birth, he sits and cries, such a desperate failure, to proud and vain to commit suicide.

    "Mother, my mother"

    He once said to me,

    "Please come and release this life from me."

    It was sad, I know.

    "Father, my father"

    He would rest his head in his hands and wish for the consuming depths of the waters again.

    “I know, I know what I did”

    He cried to the blackness of his heart.
    Just trying to contest what was in his mind until the day he came to realize.

    No one will know what dwells deep inside
    Evil men do evil things,
    Tonight I die with no name but he.

    It was that look in your eyes,
    unwelcoming gaze like I am guilty of crimes.
    Still alive he would walk back,
    extending a hand forward, reaching for help.
    No satisfaction in a strong wicked conviction,
    belief is invisible boundaries.
    Flesh and skin crawl,
    screaming a scream built on abuse.
    An invisible hand,
    compelling the soul towards what we think to be right.
    His name was broken,
    tongues now he spoke.
    The minuets that had passed did him in, buried under useless babble, thoughts that curse the day.

    “Mother oh mother, you tarnished my insanity, hopelessly erasing every moment I trust”

    You ripped me apart from with in and today I will be damned if I die.
    Hatred supplies me with the tools, and idea of a knife.
    Tonight he will stand tall.
    No memories to fall.
    His name was spoken once more.
    I remember just who I was.

    Today was a great day, I sharpen my knife.
    Simple yet deranged thoughts had crossed my mind.
    He knew where I was and what I desired.
    A mirror behind my closed tired eyes, looking back were his cold frozen orbs, not once did he blink, no once did we speak.
    Silence soon came, no one dared to breathe.
    Slowly nightfall gave to me a dream, smothered and snuffed out.
    The candle dies out, voices fade into a new day.

    Wretched and broke.
    Twisted and old.
    Hear me, him again.

    "Father my father look unto me."

    In his voice he cried a plea.

    "The name you gave cuts deep like a knife, I never wanted anything but the truth, please set me right."

    He fell to his knees, I embraced the cold earth.
    Wishing, just wishing to be blanketed in dirt.

    "Father oh father I hope you will cry, today is my funeral I may not survive."

    Laughing, we're laughing the whole God damn time, moment by moment I sink into the tide.
    Taking in gush after gush, his lungs couldn't handle the waters crush.
    Suspended in time

    "Mother my mother."

    I said while alive.

    "It could be me who dies tonight, not that monster who keeps me awake at night."

    Just a shade, a specter, a ghost of what once was.
    He swallowed once, a deep breath ensues.
    Thinking of who, just when and how.
    All colliding into minutes and moments.
    His name was no more.






    Submitted on 2009-10-30 15:01:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's very scattered. The thoughts, the images, the relationships, everything is there scattered throughout the poem. Like a puzzle with the borders completed but the guts of the actual puzzle strewn about. Not that that's bad, it seems to be what you were going for. There's some brief instances of AB rhyme scheme, and an overarching theme of angst, but that isn't bad it's preference. The vocabulary is very consistent, you stick with one style of words rather than jump between words like "big" and "petite" which although opposites, different vocabularies.

    I liked it generally, but some things come off as vague and confusing. Like a Linkin Park song. So vague it can be sewn into any situation perfectly. But the underlying idea was there the whole time. If this is only an edit I'd love to see what you do with it as a finished product.
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by Saigo | [ Reply to This ]


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