"You look pretty today" She says
blacklined mascared eyes
open wide in transparent deception
feigning pleasure
at gloss kissed lips
drawn shyly together
and the rosy hint of blush
mingling among freckles
on a pale cheek.
She instinctively fears
competition
from this wild flower turned tigerlily
who, in pursuit of the testosterone dream
renounced
sweet honey scents
for a hot house allure
once the ghost passing down hallways
unnoticed
until the chrysallis shattered
revealing
another anorexic goddess
decorative but unperfumed.
Sacred heart said much of what i was thinking here, and it leaves me with little to say, but i will try.
I really like this piece, and yes i find it totally original. I like the point of view whatever it is exactly, and the descripitons left me wondering and making pictures in my head to piece the story together, a great jump from "Why? Why did you leave me? I feel my heart breaking. boo hoo" kind of sad faced drama. it shows much estranged talent.
Commas are overrated in my opinion, especially in poetry, and the less of them the better as it becomes too mechanical and ordered for my liking. Yes, they're handy, but then I prefer a less-is-more minimalist approach. Go figure.
I like poems which capture that elusive angle, which this does. Too much of day to day existence is, to bring it up again, mechanical and ordered. And that makes me grumpy when I get shackled into a corner.
I'll also disagree about apparent clichés because I didn't notice any, and believe me, 90% of what passes through here bleeds with clichéd terminology.
I will agree about the grammar in some places, though e.g. "open wide" really should be "opened wide", and you have a couple of typos, but nothing major that can't be fixed in 30 seconds. This part:
"for a hot house allure
once the ghost passing down hallways
unnoticed
until the chrysallis shattered"
-- The transition from hot house allure to this ghost to a chrysalis doesn't quite work. What I mean is that I think the syntax of these particular lines need playing around with. The imagery in this section is intriguing and fresh, but it's also incongruous and jarring (to me). Work on this part because it promises to be stunning if you do...
Okay, in all honesty. Very good wording, nice idea. But you connived it roughly. It need ALOT of work, grammar and flow, rhythm and thought. this is a bit shattered and needs some serious construction work. I have a feeling you can do it but you'll have to get points and tip and hints. All I have to give is advice :
1) Find the friendly world of comma's!!!!!
2) Flow, it's like when you say this aloud, is it one long breath, or so many you lose count.
3) You have a few cliché's that need to go and a few words that just ruin it for the reader.
4) Try to make it clearer, like water. this pool has so many ripples it's not that pretty but if you can calm the water it'll be a master piece!
Submission Name: Hothouse Tigerlily
