Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Greatest Distancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MusingMinstrel
    ASL Info:    26/Male/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    4.97 - 744/744/128
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 771
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 626



    Description:
       http://home.earthlink.net/~earthwalker1/


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Greatest Distancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm standing still
    Watching the sunset to the west
    It only takes 24901 miles
    To circumnavigate the Earth
    And find yourself right
    Back where you started.

    A man walked around what he could
    It took him some 20 million steps
    Wore out 21 pairs of shoes and
    Even a bullet in the chest, yet
    He carried on with blistered feet
    Coming home in just over four years

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even the distance
    Around the Earth
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you
    again.





    Submitted on 2009-10-30 22:49:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i find the middle stanza lacking something though im not sure what. perhaps the impressiveness of the first stanza and the kick in the throat of the last stanza cause the middle stanza to need to be stronger than it is?

    im not sure.

    i am completely and entirely in love with a boy here in ethiopia. to the point that i will move anywhere in the world to be with him. i met him last time i was here but i thought i was just being crazy and so when i came here this time i knew i kinda liked him but after three years who knew what he thought/felt.

    turns out its love lol.
    and so i can understand the 4 years to find "you" again idea... the way it is so hard to reclaim something you lost as a result of stupidity or ignorance or time or space...

    im rambling. i havent commented on anything in the longest time so prolly discredit this response lol.
    ive missed you words. you better have been writing and recording more musics since i spoke to you last

    did you find her?
    | Posted on 2009-11-26 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Although I see where the other two are comming from, I quite like the 'disjointedness/brokeness' in the first stanza and the "just over". I also quite like how the point of the poem flipped at the end and was unexpected.
    Poetry doesn't have to be all smooth lines and free flowing.

    I think SupposedlyHuman is possibly mireading the last stanza because you are repeating yourself. We know you are taking about the distance around the earth, and in my opinion, you don't need to say it again so something like:

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even this distance
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you
    again.

    Or if you want to go in for repetition perhaps:

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even 24901 miles
    20 million steps
    21 pairs of shoes
    And a bullet in the chest
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you
    again.

    - Thus joining the first two stanzas with the last.

    Like I say, just my opinion but I liked this poem.

    E x
    | Posted on 2009-11-03 00:00:00 | by EllusiveEmber | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm in some agreement with the previous commenter. Although, I like the 'just over' . . .Seems to be a personal thing. Your a bit off on the breaking and capitialization of this though . . . . . here is how I read it :

    I'm standing still ,
    watching the sunset to the west.
    It only takes 24901 miles to circumnavigate the Earth.
    And you'll find yourself right back where you started.

    A man walked around what he could,
    It took him some 20 million steps,
    and 21 pairs of shoes.
    Even a bullet in the chest, yet,
    he carried on with blistered feet and
    came home in just over four years.

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even the distance around the Earth,
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you're self
    again.


    -----
    Just a little imput to it, I thikn yuo way is wonderful, I'm just showing how I would have done it myself. All in all, god job o.-

    - Constance A. Hensley
    | Posted on 2009-10-31 00:00:00 | by Scaredheart | [ Reply to This ]
      The idea that we are introduced to the you only at the end is more distracting then revealing. Give me you earlier so that I can relate the two ideas while reading instead of having to go back over the poem with the end in mind to find meaning. You can still keep the power of the end part of the poem while not having it seem like a curve ball was thrown in the last stanza.

    Overall good and interesting. The line "coming home in just over four years" suffers from the "just over." "Coming home four years later" seems much smoother. I mean the fact that it was over four years has no purpose so why include it? Or am I misreading it?
    | Posted on 2009-10-31 00:00:00 | by SupposedlyHuman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    179907

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Relativity written by poetotoe
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    prison written by ShyOne
    Records I written by Raphael
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry