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    dots Submission Name: The Greatest Distancedots

    Author: MusingMinstrel
    ASL Info:    26/Male/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    4.97 - 744/744/128
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 891
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 626


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Greatest Distancedots

    I'm standing still
    Watching the sunset to the west
    It only takes 24901 miles
    To circumnavigate the Earth
    And find yourself right
    Back where you started.

    A man walked around what he could
    It took him some 20 million steps
    Wore out 21 pairs of shoes and
    Even a bullet in the chest, yet
    He carried on with blistered feet
    Coming home in just over four years

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even the distance
    Around the Earth
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you

    Submitted on 2009-10-30 22:49:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i find the middle stanza lacking something though im not sure what. perhaps the impressiveness of the first stanza and the kick in the throat of the last stanza cause the middle stanza to need to be stronger than it is?

    im not sure.

    i am completely and entirely in love with a boy here in ethiopia. to the point that i will move anywhere in the world to be with him. i met him last time i was here but i thought i was just being crazy and so when i came here this time i knew i kinda liked him but after three years who knew what he thought/felt.

    turns out its love lol.
    and so i can understand the 4 years to find "you" again idea... the way it is so hard to reclaim something you lost as a result of stupidity or ignorance or time or space...

    im rambling. i havent commented on anything in the longest time so prolly discredit this response lol.
    ive missed you words. you better have been writing and recording more musics since i spoke to you last

    did you find her?
    | Posted on 2009-11-26 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Although I see where the other two are comming from, I quite like the 'disjointedness/brokeness' in the first stanza and the "just over". I also quite like how the point of the poem flipped at the end and was unexpected.
    Poetry doesn't have to be all smooth lines and free flowing.

    I think SupposedlyHuman is possibly mireading the last stanza because you are repeating yourself. We know you are taking about the distance around the earth, and in my opinion, you don't need to say it again so something like:

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even this distance
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you

    Or if you want to go in for repetition perhaps:

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even 24901 miles
    20 million steps
    21 pairs of shoes
    And a bullet in the chest
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you

    - Thus joining the first two stanzas with the last.

    Like I say, just my opinion but I liked this poem.

    E x
    | Posted on 2009-11-03 00:00:00 | by EllusiveEmber | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm in some agreement with the previous commenter. Although, I like the 'just over' . . .Seems to be a personal thing. Your a bit off on the breaking and capitialization of this though . . . . . here is how I read it :

    I'm standing still ,
    watching the sunset to the west.
    It only takes 24901 miles to circumnavigate the Earth.
    And you'll find yourself right back where you started.

    A man walked around what he could,
    It took him some 20 million steps,
    and 21 pairs of shoes.
    Even a bullet in the chest, yet,
    he carried on with blistered feet and
    came home in just over four years.

    Impressive? Yes.
    But even the distance around the Earth,
    Isnít as great as the time
    It may take to find you're self

    Just a little imput to it, I thikn yuo way is wonderful, I'm just showing how I would have done it myself. All in all, god job o.-

    - Constance A. Hensley
    | Posted on 2009-10-31 00:00:00 | by Scaredheart | [ Reply to This ]
      The idea that we are introduced to the you only at the end is more distracting then revealing. Give me you earlier so that I can relate the two ideas while reading instead of having to go back over the poem with the end in mind to find meaning. You can still keep the power of the end part of the poem while not having it seem like a curve ball was thrown in the last stanza.

    Overall good and interesting. The line "coming home in just over four years" suffers from the "just over." "Coming home four years later" seems much smoother. I mean the fact that it was over four years has no purpose so why include it? Or am I misreading it?
    | Posted on 2009-10-31 00:00:00 | by SupposedlyHuman | [ Reply to This ]

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