Description: The death of it all, the soul is gone and now the body goes along.
I am shut in this box and you hold the key
You keep my freedom I see
Drench me in fuel, spark up a match
Throw it onto this grave, begin my death
I feel no pain within, as the flames grow large
Breathing me in, burning my skin
I am numb to it all
Allowing it to take me whole
I whisper to the fire that dances
As it consumes me
I feel nothing I was dead a long time ago
This is the end of obscurity
Oh my, this was amazing. You have a true gift with words! It was absolutely fantastic. the flow was really great and it created a very morbidly absorbing picture. My favorite line was: 'I whisper to the fire that dances' Fantastic!
I think there is a problem in the start, although a small one. I like it overall, just when I think you are doing another dull goth bit on death you twist it into something fresh. But what I saw was that in the first two lines it starts a definate rhyme scheme, but one that is off in meter. I would either drop the last two words of the second line, or I would fix the meter by making the second line a bit longer to match the first in feet. Something like: "you keep my freedom as far as I see" See how that flows with the first? But I think I would prefer not trying to rhyme key and see at all because this is a poem that is truly free verse with no other attempts at regular rhyme patterns.
I have to congratulate you on your choice for opening lines. These first two:
I am shut in this box and you hold the key The keeper of my freedom I see
They really pulled me into the piece. Whether it be the decidedly stylized wording or the pretense of content. I don't know, just really cool opening. The poem plays out like a tragic sympathy kill. The last lines:
This is the end of obscurity My finality
They are as stylized and tantalizing as the first two. This whole thing is done very well. But the first and last two lines are really an excellent example of how said lines can win over the reader. Pardon me if I ramble I've been up all night
the keeper of my freedom, for without you i just my walls cave in and i suffecate , i relly like it, specialy the convination of a digged graves and the convolion of fire, two elemnts together as fire and earth equaling a numb death. greatly painted picture
*I feel no pain within, as the flames grow large Breathing me in, burning my skin I am numb to it all* --- I particularly loved these lines because I feel that way too. Especially the numb part. Sometimes it's like I just don't care anymore,like I'm just so weary that even if I wanted to care,I have no energy left for it. And even if I were to die,I'd die gladly. Great poem.