Description: She kept me from sleeping and i had to get it off my chest
though i know this work is not my best
Together We're Apart -------------------------------------------
At first i didn't know what to put in this poem
I just sat around all day moping at home
then in a dream i saw your face
what i wouldn't do to share your grace
your inspiration its self though I'd never say it out loud
I excell every moment trying to make you proud
more than that in truth i just want you to notice
In attempting this goal i sometimes lose focus
I wish so much to tell you how important you are
but i bottle it up inside a little jar
without you there's nothing you know it but know not why
I think sometimes you see it and deny your eye
it's easier like this friends is just fine
still i hope for a day that you'll be mine
I want to tell you but how could i say
that you are the sunshine that brightens my day
One day i'll tell you one day for sure
the day when my love can be spoken pure
If you're happy i'm happy let that happiness grow
But if you ever read this meassage my secret you'll know
I thought the poem was okay, but I went through and revised it a bit. My revision isn't perfect or it may not be your style, but perhaps it will give you a refreshing perspective. Keep up the good work.
At first, I didn't know what to put in this poem.
I just sat around, all day moping at home.
Then, in a dream, I saw your face.
What I wouldn't do to share in your grace.
You're inspiration itself, though, I'd never say it aloud.
I excel in every moment, trying to make you proud.
More than that, in truth, I just want you to notice.
In attempting this goal I sometimes lose focus.
I wish so much to tell you how important you are.
But I bottle it up inside a (insert adj.) little jar
*without you there's nothing you know it but know not why*
(This line is a jumble. I can't understand the meaning.)
I think sometimes you see it and deny it with your eyes.
It's easier like this; reamining friends is just fine
still, I hope for a day when you will be mine.
I want to tell you, but how or what could i say
that you are the sunshine that brightens my day?
One day I will tell you, one day for sure.
A day when my love can be spoken and pure..
If you're happy I'm happy, let that happiness grow
*If you read this message then my secret you will know.*
(The last line seems a bit forced. I'm sure you can come up
with something better.)
it was ok. I think it could be better. but as you said it wasn't your best. I liked the ending. But I feel like you could use a better choice of vocablary. Hopefully you take this as advice.
-Rachel:)
Submission Name: Together We're Apart
