World War Three in my being. by Scaredheart

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Submission Name: World War Three in my being. dots

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Author:	Scaredheart
ASL Info:	15/ Female/ NC
Elite Ratio:	6.43 - 92/62/50
Words:	168

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	43
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1041

Description:
clishie and stupid, but a vent so I don't truely care.

World War Three in my being. dots

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World peace,world peace.
We all want world peace,
but my worlds in piece's.
I wish for something every day,
I wish for just one thing to stay.

I don't want to lose my daddy or my mother,
but I have no voice in that matter.
So I'll just try hard to stay right here,
in World War Three.
World War Three,
that's the place for me.
I have too much to let it die,
I have too much to lay down my arms and stop the fight.

I'm not going to fall apart,
I'm not going to lose this sort.
Too much time,
too much heart involved.
I've got one thing,
that makes me want to win their war.
Love,
love of him.

This is my war,
my World War Three.
This is my war,
the war of my being.
This is my war,
embedded in my soul.
This is my war,
starting to take it's toll.

Submitted on 2009-11-01 19:20:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Hi, Scaredheart..,

You paint an emotional picture I can easily see, of a young person whose constantly shifting world is cause for concern, doubt, and fear. You easily move between the larger picture of the world as a whole, and the more intimate world of your own mind and life. I have also used this type of imagery, drawing parallels between my inner life and a larger issue; both of which factor largely into the worries of most people, both young and old.

My largest complaint is with the spelling, and errors of grammar and punctuation. When I read this poem, there was no doubt in my mind of your young age. With a little tweaking, you could make your poem stretch across the generations much more effectively, extending the base of readers who could relate to what you are saying. Fear of loss, fear of war on a global scale, and a feeling of helplessness to stop either are universal. There are a few areas in the poem that could definitely be elaborated on and expanded, but not wanting to change your original idea, I'll stick mostly to the basics.

These are the changes I would reccommend:

World peace, world peace,
We all want world peace.
(I would put the first two lines together as one. I have suggested some other changes that would make your stanzas all a similar length, therefore improving the flow and also the physical look of the poem.)
But it's hard to think this
When my world is in pieces!
(This second change helps suggest you would like to devote your time and thoughts to larger issues, but it's hard when your own world is falling apart. We often forget that changing our own world, therefore affecting those around us, is by far the most controllable, and sometimes the only, way to change the world.)
I wish for one thing every day..,
I wish for just one thing to stay!

I don't want to lose my Daddy or my Mother,
But I have no choice in that matter.
So I'll just try hard to stay right here,
In this moment,
The moment of World War Three.
(this change describes WHERE you must stay, which is left open for lack of description. Of course, most people will read between the lines, for we all suffer the same inability to travel through time, to change the past, or to predict the future. But I think this clarifies your point. Then, instead of continuing in this stanza, I would begin a new one, always capitalizing all three words in World War Three, which is as much a place as an event.)

World War Three,
That's the place for me.
I have TOO much to let it die,
TOO much to lay down arms and stop the fight.

I'm not going to fall apart,
Not going to lose this sort.
(Using "I'm not going to" can be redundant; omitting this in the second line drives the point home more directly. You might also consider changing the word "sort" to the word "fort." This would also suggest that you are keeping a small post among this large world of war, defending it with your life.)
There's too much time,
Too much heart involved.
(Again, I would skip to another stanza rather than continuing the last, because you have begun on another subject.)

But I've got one thing
That makes me want to win this war:
Love,
My love FOR him.

This is my war,
My World War Three.
This is my war,
The war of my being.

We all have a war going on inside us; a topic on which many great poems can be written.
Having someone to love certainly gives us a reason to go on. I think love is one of the reasons we are alive.

Best Wishes,
soul-hugger
| Posted on 2009-11-02 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]

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