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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hanging Laundry (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AlyRose
    ASL Info:    21/f/the desert
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 101/51/24
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 32
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 800



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHanging Laundry (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wake and the day is tired already.

    The air’s corners yellow and curl
    where ghosts of laughs linger in the grey hallway.
    My sacred ritual – coffee, cigarette,
    cigarette, coffee— is performed
    too quickly.

    The empty hours scare me

    so I gather my clothes, soft and worn
    as a rabbit’s foot, and roll them into
    a rock- something to burden
    me.

    My washing machine sings
    in a long, low note,
    droning like company.
    Perhaps I will sing back.

    The drying rack murmurs solidly
    with creaks and sighs. I ask him
    if he minds that sock there
    or the weight of my wet jeans.

    He replies that the strain of my loneliness kills him.




    Submitted on 2009-11-03 11:54:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Another excellent work, Alyrose!

    Another picture painted, another image easily conjured. I love how it begins;
    I wake and the day is tired already.
    The days' corners yellow and curl....
    Magnificent, to say the least. A wonderful description of a lonely life, to awake each morning to the same, stale routine, where even the white-noise sounds of such mundane things seem a comforting presence. You draw these small details into sharp focus.

    At a risk of sounding patronizing, I will say you are a rare talent, gifted with a natural ability to envision a scene and play upon it. Words, in your hands, are like an instrument to a talented musician. And as the liquid notes rise and fall, they tingle the senses and resonate with the soul.

    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2009-11-04 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Admittedly, I read them both yesterday, but not in a side-by-side comparison. What threw me off, and throws me off with things, is I run with the first impression sometimes in reading something, and can formulate a whole thing around some little nag in my head that stood out... out of 250 words, for example, in a short short story, I might focus on the red balloon in the background and blow in something different based on it. I think its what I did here.

    First, lately the form-thing scares me... when it starts out kinda free-ish where the spaced breaks are, and goes to a boxier presentation, it [censored]s with my eyes and somehow my thinking. What hung me was the "pretending to be company"... of the washing machine, which differed from the drone in the other. But you personify the drying rack, so I see what you're doing while doing it like that... it's a lead-in, a similar stance of thought... the two go together, if one is personified, it fits they both should be. I miss "drone"... drone was a key with me, it stood out. I won't go into washing machine stories, but it's the noise that I find comforting about doing it... until that damn rinse cycle sends it bouncing and knocking crap off the walls...

    I do like the changes in the 2nd paragraph --- and all that, much better than the first, upon further examination. The first one, it was a little ice-pickish to the eyes and made you kinda flit-instead-of-flow thru the reading.

    And I do like the complete break in the next-to-last paragraph (above the single line closing, that killer ending line that marvels me)... definitely better there. So yeah, you did improve it (even with drone *sniff sniff* and Christ, I'm such a jackass for skimming so fast yesterday! And I'm glad you caught me on that, too, I need to read more carefully... I haven't been focusing well lately, and I appreciate the nudge to concentrate. Do you make housecalls? I could honestly use you lately, :) but like Mickey Rourke, I just can't pay you right now... lol
    | Posted on 2009-11-04 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this poem, both forms. I like the first one more, I think, just because there is more in it, and it's so good that I always want more... so, with great poems, the longer the better. It's a great revision... I just like the extra-fluffy one best, I think.
    | Posted on 2009-11-03 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


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