Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: owlman23
ASL Info:    29/m/al
Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 71 /75 /28
Words: 55
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 795
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 391


Tried to write something happy......failed


soft velvet locks
shoulder length and wavy
lying there among the rocks
Crimson thick as gravy

High above the wailing stops
eerie silence straining
contemplating such a drop
tears now fairly raining

as waves crash upon the shore
to wash clean the scree
the wicked wings descend
upon the new debris

Submitted on 2009-11-03 16:32:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  This is great! I really like how you make the reader think, because you only give subtle hints and infer about what is going on. Maybe though, you could add more punctuation in two places:
"crimson, thick as gravy," or "high above, the wailing stops." I think it would make it a little easier to read. But the rhyming scheme is great, especially the first stanza. That is my favorite. The last stanza is a bit off beat in places, maybe you could add an extra syllable here or there, such as 'to wash away the scree,' or 'and soon the wicked wings descend.' But the last stanza would still sound fine even if you didn't change it. Is the poem about a person who fell? In the first stanza, I could decide whether you were describing the creatures blood or if it had red hair. It is probably red hair-that is too incredibly morbid. It is making me feel a little sick even now. Anyhow, this is a great write. As for trying to make it happy, maybe you'll have better luck next time? Thanks for sharing,
| Posted on 2009-11-04 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?