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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: falldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: owlman23
    ASL Info:    25/m/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 71/75/28
    Words: 55
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 16
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 391



    Description:
       Tried to write something happy......failed


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfalldots
    -------------------------------------------


    soft velvet locks
    shoulder length and wavy
    lying there among the rocks
    Crimson thick as gravy

    High above the wailing stops
    eerie silence straining
    contemplating such a drop
    tears now fairly raining

    as waves crash upon the shore
    to wash clean the scree
    the wicked wings descend
    upon the new debris




    Submitted on 2009-11-03 16:32:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is great! I really like how you make the reader think, because you only give subtle hints and infer about what is going on. Maybe though, you could add more punctuation in two places:
    "crimson, thick as gravy," or "high above, the wailing stops." I think it would make it a little easier to read. But the rhyming scheme is great, especially the first stanza. That is my favorite. The last stanza is a bit off beat in places, maybe you could add an extra syllable here or there, such as 'to wash away the scree,' or 'and soon the wicked wings descend.' But the last stanza would still sound fine even if you didn't change it. Is the poem about a person who fell? In the first stanza, I could decide whether you were describing the creatures blood or if it had red hair. It is probably red hair-that is too incredibly morbid. It is making me feel a little sick even now. Anyhow, this is a great write. As for trying to make it happy, maybe you'll have better luck next time? Thanks for sharing,
    -dancer
    | Posted on 2009-11-04 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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