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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: rememberdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: owlman23
    ASL Info:    25/m/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 71/75/28
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 21
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 503



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrememberdots
    -------------------------------------------


    long lazy rivulets
    meander through the sand,
    furrowing haphazard rows
    back to the promised land
    of sea and sun and summer fun
    so far from winters chill,
    no longer gray and shadowed
    no longer cold and still,
    just a few more drops
    a few more lonely tears
    contributing to the growing sea
    of not quite forgotten fears.
    they always seem to fall
    when I remember yesteryear.




    Submitted on 2009-11-03 16:35:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, you had me until the "sea and sun and summer fun," and then you had me again. That line sounds a little too hokey for me, too much like a Beach Boys song, or maybe Cat Stevens.

    "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun," (my head bobbing like a runaway balloon on a string.)

    I understand what you are trying to say, however, and you say it well. With a little revision this could be really good. Perhaps there is a reason you have that line, to add contrast, as it sticks out like a sore thumb among the rest.

    Overall, well done.

    | Posted on 2009-11-05 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      There are some things that all the sun and fun in the world can't fix. You've just got to wipe the tears between martini toasts, and keep throwing that glass back with the punchlines. At some point it gets better, or that toothpicked olive kills you...

    Pretty write.
    | Posted on 2009-11-04 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]



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