Left to Linger by nikita2u

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Submission Name: Left to Linger dots

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Author:	nikita2u
ASL Info:	20 Female And In Love
Elite Ratio:	8 - 388/365/227
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Prose/Misc
Total Views:	45
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	539

Description:
Picture Perfect Memories Scattered All Around the Floor ~Lady Antebellum

Left to Linger dots

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A burden misplaced with treasured emotions.
The what ifs dance eloquently, as the tide of the
past sweeps all away.

Forgotten tears now laced with the once well
known smile. The simple warmth of remembered
embraces.

Entangled memories trace the long forgotten
path of ghostly finger tips, ignoring the same
path of visible scars.

A simple need to taste once more of the feeling
of long ago, erases the truth of once upon
a time.

Submitted on 2009-11-05 02:43:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
"A burden misplaced with treasured emotions."

This seems awkward, it makes very little sense to me, perhaps something like "A burden of treasured emotions" was more what you were trying to convey here? That's just my thought.

"what ifs" should be "what-ifs" if I recall. It's only a little hiccup.

"as the tide of the
past sweeps all away."

This line would be great, but it contradicts the remainder of the piece. If everything has been swept away, why the longing in the following stanzas? It doesn't make sense.

"Forgotten tears now laced with the once well
known smile. The simple warmth of remembered
embraces."

This can be made more streamlined with the removal of "now" and "simple". Read it aloud before removing them, and after and you might see what I mean. This is merely opinion of course, hun.

"Entangled memories trace the long forgotten
path of ghostly finger tips, ignoring the same
path of visible scars."

I would swap "entangled memories" with "ghostly finger tips" and remove "same", as obviously if the first path is being traced, and the two pathes are the same, you have a contradiction there. This is what I suggest:

"Ghostly finger tips trace the long forgotten path of entangle memories, ignoring the path of visible scars."

The reason for the swap is that finger tips seem more likely to be doing any sort of tracing than memories, and memories leave their mark. This is of course, just my thought on the stanza.

"A simple need to taste once more of the feeling
of long ago, erases the truth of once upon
a time."

Read this aloud, pausing at the comma as you should, and you may notice the unnatural placement of said pause. I'd suggest removing the comma entirely, as well as removing the word "of" in between "more" and "the". It seems unecessary and a bit cumbersome.

This is an honest, somber write, and I enjoyed it, Nikki. I saw your comment on my page, so I wrote a poem to leave on your page in response, but I accidently refreshed the page. Oops.

I figured I'd just leave you a comment and call it good. I think I owe you one anyhow.

Keep writing, hun. Thanks for the read.

<3

-Keegan Ryan Gilmore.
| Posted on 2009-11-20 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]

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