PINK LOVE by StefDorito

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Submission Name: PINK LOVE dots

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Author:	StefDorito
ASL Info:	99/male/canada
Elite Ratio:	2.78 - 1/1/1
Words:	209

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	34
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1242

Description:
this is my FIRST submission, please be nice:)

PINK LOVE dots

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PINK LOVE

My face is empty
Emotionless eyes seem to fade in the endless thoughts of time.
Why do they bother me?
You look worried
Wondering how these emotions came to me.
What mistakes have you made?

Her e is my map, to my lost mind.

Under the smoky glance
The touchless calamity
Is a little boy wondering how this all arrived on this platform of time
Once what seemed to be an impossible fantasy is now a concrete reality
How is this all possible?

Why such joy can be felt when you wrap your arms tightly around my chest?
Sweet happiness can be tasted when I lay my lips against yours?
How I can see your ¬¬ enchantment as I look deep into your light absorbent forest.
How the scent of your skin makes me feel loved and relaxed?
Who do I feel so cherished when your soft voice fills my head?

I’ve given you a great gift, the gift of love.
Nothing in the world can compare to the feeling of getting that gift back.

I know the cloud of sad broken hearts rains strongly on me,
But with your umbrella of pink love
I’ll never get wet.

Submitted on 2009-11-05 17:57:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Hey there!

it's been awhile since I've commented on anything so I figured this was a better place to start n such. Yeah I know I make to much sense. >.>

"My face is empty
Emotionless eyes seem to fade in the endless thoughts of time.
Why do they bother me?
You look worried
Wondering how these emotions came to me.
What mistakes have you made?"

Uuuh This kind of...uhm...confuses me o-o

For instance, you contradict yourself
You state in the beginning that you have nothing inside of you, like an empty shell to bring forth a over used cliché. but then near the end you say "wondering how these emotions came to me"
and uhm, well it seems kind of all over the place. Like you've had a bajillion thoughts in your head and tried to write them all in one small stanza o-o

Try cleaning it up a bit and just spend a bit more time on your beginning stanza. Usually this is where you draw your readers in, to get them interested in this enough to read the rest and stay involved.

"[Here] is [the] map, to my lost mind.

Under the smoky glance
The touchless calamity
Is a little boy wondering how this all arrived on this platform of time
Once what seemed to be an impossible fantasy is now a concrete reality
How is this all possible?"

Uhh okay when you also write, you may want to look it over and clean up your obvious mistakes. Also I suggest that you invest in some commas

for example of a comma that is badly needed.

"You suck Dick."

"You suck, Dick."

see how the comma can change a simple sentence into something else entirely? they're a useful item to use when writing. Though honestly I have no room to talk on this subject sometimes >.> I placed a few uhm suggestions in there, they're made obvious by
[ ].

This seems like you quickly strung this together <.<

"Why such joy can be felt when you wrap your arms tightly around my chest?
Sweet happiness can be tasted when I lay my lips against yours?
How I can see your "

[¬¬<-- what is that for?]

"enchantment as I look deep into your light absorbent forest.
How the scent of your skin makes me feel loved and relaxed?
Who do I feel so cherished when your soft voice fills my head?"

Again you go from emotionless to uhm happy..holy cow this is making my head semi spin. I can see the potential that you have, don't get me wrong there. It seems though that you wish to say a lot of somethings and have yet to work out your thoughts.
I really don't know how to respond to this portion of your poem but the description is really nice =3

"I’ve given you a great gift, the gift of love."

that right there seems a bit pompous >.>

"Nothing in the world can compare to the feeling of getting that gift back."

but that makes up for it ^_^

"I know the cloud of sad broken hearts rains strongly on me,
But with your umbrella of pink love
I’ll never get wet."

and the ending is very sweet, I mean at least you're incorporating colors into this which is lovely in itself

well you have a bit here to fix up, look over, and just some basic editing. I hope the few suggestions that I posted help you in some way and I hope to see more of your work

welcome to ES and sorry this is so late in coming =3

~Nikki

| Posted on 2009-11-07 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]

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