Description: This is a poem I wrote in the summer of 1999. It came to me with an incredible force, and as I wrote the words, my pen was actually tearing the paper. This theme has been on my mind lately, the theme of escaping from the control of another person. At first, it happens slowly, almost imperceptibly, as you reclaim one area of your life at a time. It is almost as though your mind were an elastic band that; once stretched so far, can never return to its former shape. Then, one day, it snaps. You shake your head and rub your eyes, the bright light of the sun piercing through the layers of darkness you have been under for so long. It's as if you were under a spell that has finally been broken.
My Prisoned Heart -------------------------------------------
You cheated me of all the love
I could have felt.
And left me with an emptiness,
as though my heart would melt.
You anger me with your actions,
And disgust me with your words!
How could I once have loved you?
The thought now seems absurd.
You treated me as though
our lives were just a game.
You stood, your eyes victorious,
While I hung my head in shame.
Was this your way of trying to show
That I am shallow, you are deep,
While steadily you're playing
With a heart you cannot keep?
Was this your way of trying to prove
That you were right and I was wrong?
(You always said my words meant less
In a poem or a song.)
Well, I've got something to tell you:
It's that I no longer care.
For long gone are the days
When our deepest thoughts we'd share.
You can't control me anymore!
I just want to shout!
You cannot feel me anymore!
My prisoned heart
Has found its way out!
Man, isn't it amazing how they change once you don't love them? Or, how you change... how you see them, is what I'm trying to say. It can be like sunlight hitting through a passing cloud, this moment of illumination when you're seeing them for the first time, and going, WTF WAS I EVER THINKING????
I had one once that had a system, a pre-plan, to drive me completely crazy... he must have. That loser m.f. couldn't do anything ELSE right at a spur-of-the-moment turn, so he had to be planning my demise for MONTHS before he showed up... he sold cars, and I never stood a chance.
I always start with the criticism, because it burns the most and if the good comments come after the nitpicky details, I usually don't mind the criticism that much at all. Firstly, instead of "prisoned' I think it should be "imprisoned," and it wouldn't mess with your flow too much to put that in their. Second, here and there are a few trite phrases ("You treated me as though/our lives were just a game," for one) that have been used so much they're nearing the cliché stage. I myself struggle with this, but I'm working on it. No one's perfect, right? Also, a bit more imagery wouldn't hurt-variety is the spice of life (oh, see, there I go again with my clichés xD.)
Now, on a good note, there's alot right with this poem. You obviously have no problem scratching it all out on the paper and the intensity comes through in the words. I can imagine how you must've felt at this point in time, and it's simply a mark of hard work that you can pack so much emotion into one poem. Not everyone can inject feeling into words as easily as you give the impression of doing.
All in all, it could use some fixing-up (after all, you did write this years ago and you've certainly evolved as a writer since then) but the foundation, the bone-core, is really good and that's all that matters.
Submission Name: My Prisoned Heart
No one's perfect, right? Also, a bit more imagery wouldn't hurt-variety is the spice of life (oh, see, there I go again with my clichés xD.)