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    dots Submission Name: Living?dots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 26
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 941
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 183

       This another of mine from my teens. It's been called too minimalistic. I've never been sure whether to add more or leave it this way.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I'm still breathing this funeral air.
    I'm still living in this dead place.
    I can't stop dreaming of death.
    When can I start living?

    Submitted on 2004-07-21 09:58:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wouldn't it be crazy if you were saying that all these writes were from your teens but actually they are new, and you just wanted to see how differently people would comment? Damm that would be underhanded.
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      for your teens not bad. the images are good, but I'm lacking something you always have in your other poems. you don't convey so much feeling, you don't set an atmosphere. I would add to it, but the question is an interesting touch, leaves the reader thinking. just a bit more feelings before.
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      i like it alot
    i can see what you mean and i like the irony of it all
    i think you should elaborate and make it longer
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by locke | [ Reply to This ]
      i think the word is "funereal" instead of "funeral." small point. anyway, i don't think it's too minimalist. you say all you need to--you're preoccupied with death and yet long to join the living. that's how i felt last weekend! i hope you aren't feeling this way... i know it's old, but i'm curious to know why you pulled this one out of your bag of tricks. hope all is well with you!
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      It is too minimalistic. The idea of minimalism is to relate fully with as little verbosity as possible. Now that I'm done insulting your fine intellect, let me say that this poem doesn't relate enough to me. I get that you feel dead, but I don't feel it. I can't place it in my own emotional context. No empathy is churned up. I think it might greatly benefit from a simile.
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm, is L3 supposed to be
    "I can stop dreaming" or "I can't stop dreaming"?
    If it stands as posted I guess I don't get it,
    if it's a typo, then I get it, and I like that it is open ended and can be applied literally by someone who has just gone through a personal loss, or metaphorically.
    Gonna go check your journal now, what's new?
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      though it leaves alot to think about ...it being so short...i think you should leave it...though the wording being so simple you can tell it was written when you were younger...i enjoyed it though...smiles ange
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]

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