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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Lightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LaxGoalie
    Elite Ratio:    2.51 - 6/4/8
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 405
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1094



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Lightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When you sit next to me,
    Your presence fills my heart.
    You are my antidote to insanity,
    You’re the one that keeps me from falling apart.

    Every time my day is bad, I turn to you for support.
    You change my day and light it up.
    You don’t even need to say anything.
    There’s no need for it.
    I just calm down because you’re there.
    No need for sadness when you’re around.

    My heart skips a beat, when you’re near.
    My worries fade away, they disappear.
    The ghosts of my past are the ones that are scared of you.
    They leave me just for a minute.
    That is the minute I feel at my best.
    The minute that makes me forget the rest.

    You are the light in the darkness that I seek.
    Without this light to guide me I feel weak,
    A beacon in the dark for when I’m lost.

    I feel free because you make me smile.
    You know you do.
    I know you’re there for me,
    You can find it in your heart to be honest.
    To be true.




    Submitted on 2009-11-10 16:39:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well The poem has a good idea behind it, yet it seems to be lacking at parts



    When you sit next to me,
    Your presence fills my heart.
    You are my antidote to insanity,
    You’re the one that keeps me from falling apart.


    See, if you’re going for rhyming every other line thing, you got that style down, but in the next part the breaks, which makes it difficult to follow. It does not need to rhyme, but if you’re going for no rhyming style take all the rhymes out of it, otherwise make the middle part flow better.


    Every time my day is bad, I turn to you for support.
    You change my day and light it up.
    You don’t even need to say anything.
    There’s no need for it.
    I just calm down because you’re there.
    No need for sadness when you’re around



    For example instead of “you don’t need to say anything” rewording that would be good, like “Your words, you needn’t sort” that way you link sort and support, and so on.
    I like the idea I just think it needs a little editing.
    Remember to keep the poem original, make it your own.

    -Princess of Ra
    | Posted on 2009-11-10 00:00:00 | by Princess of Ra | [ Reply to This ]


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