Natural talent takes time to hone. Even the most seasoned writers revise and revise. You can use what you have here as a launching point, or you can leave it the way it is. I can't say this enough; It's up to you! You don't have to write a masterpiece to get out what is on the inside. Writing is as much catharsis as it is anything else. I think you have a really strong to ability to create great images with simple words. Keep working with it!