Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Splashdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SincerWritinAsh
    ASL Info:    20/f/ky
    Elite Ratio:    6.17 - 264/233/115
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 83
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1292



    Description:
       I'm watching a patient for suicide precautions on night shift. It leads to wierdness sitting alone in the dark, watching a man sleep who only just a day before attempted to end his life.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Splashdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The constant hiss of pure oxygen leaking
    A stream of solid pressure into the room
    Muffled only by a stranger’s snore. My
    Mind wanders far past these windows and
    Doors. It drifts as if a barge floating down
    The muddy river waves, natural in its
    Buoyancy even though man made.
    Passing along the dark and forested shore,
    Leaves falling as if dead stars,
    Gravity the only life force left as they’re
    Drawn to a brush covered floor.
    This night-time river only lit by
    An orange moon and the faded
    Belt of Orion strung across the
    Dipping spoons. The lapping of water,
    Too polluted to touch, just begging
    Me to swim, so that it could feel
    One with some one just once again.
    As the day-dream me, considers the
    Vague reflection in the moving water,
    Curious to start the splash, I stand
    And take ten paces back across
    The floating carrier, a gasp of breath
    And rushing I run, to the delivering edge,
    Falling, unbalanced and danger to meet
    Me once breaking the barrier -

    I open my eyes, no sound but the
    O2 tank leaking and the patient
    Sleeping, and I sigh, just wishing.





    Submitted on 2009-11-13 23:41:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You did a great job at describing the setting in detail without becoming redundant and monotonous, i love the reference to the dippers and the leaves as falling stars. The whole piece reminds me of a type of setting and i can picture you sitting right there writing this so it is quite a good embodiment of emotion.

    Minor typo: "some one" should be "someone" , i loved this, was awesome.
    | Posted on 2009-11-25 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your description and your poem... it's good background detail, it tells why you're in your "happier place" and yeah, that would be a bummer... Know why he did it? (Just curious, the only part of nursing that appeals to me is getting to see the patients come in via ambulance and ask the conscious ones, "Wow, how in the hell did you do THAT?" for book material when I am old and no longer care worry about 10,000+ rejections driving me Toole.)

    I can certainly understand being trapped in your circumstance; I especially hate hospitals, sitting in one leads me to do mental lists, grocery lists, anything to keep from thinking where I am... and how I want to dive out of the window into Relief.

    I hope you get better patients :) or at least, resigned ones.
    | Posted on 2009-11-14 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    180344



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry