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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Away"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 565
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1109



    Description:
       Time to get rid of the bonds that tie you in the past, let the ones who hold on relinquish their grips so that they too have open hands to receive what they deserve.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Away"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    This ticking time spent waiting on you
    makes of me a crumbling harlequin.
    Visions of futures are now but a grey blur
    as i transcend the moments of you.
    A bag of "I love you's" pacing in the past
    is the only constant tearing me aptly.

    Now i see through you
    and all things promised.

    How long can love be kept on to survive
    by the steel pressed promises of hope?
    A rose will wilt and descend indefinitely
    without eyes to keep it standing strong.
    Convincing myself this is not different
    is the weight of your absent heart crushing me.

    In this world two is such a fragile number
    answering easily to raining calls of sorrow.
    I have taken the hand of self deceit before
    and paid myself transparent.
    Dare you expect of me to drink this in
    to prove that you indeed exist?

    Breaking the frame you put me in
    is the only cure to watch you fall away.

    Please...

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2009-11-16 05:31:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Like the change at the end. Makes the overall write have a better meaning. Love does sometimes make fools of us doesn't it.
    | Posted on 2010-01-12 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your use of harlequin as describing how you feel while waiting... also the pressing and crushing gives it a rather urgent and aching feel.

    "In this world two is such a fragile number
    answering easily to raining calls of sorrow.
    " -- definitely.

    Not sure I like the cutting part at the end... it doesn't seem to fit with pressed and crushing and sounds too emo-ish.

    But mostly, I like this.. that's why I bookmarked it to come back to. Good stuff.
    | Posted on 2010-01-11 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I do believe I owe you one. Sorry for taking so long.

    Anyway, the whole write is quite clean. It has a perfect sense of direction and clear sense of purpose (or at least to me it does seem like that.)

    I like how you separated the second stanza. It's simplicity and the way by which it is formatted, really allows the reader to quiet down the noise and take notice. It's like somebody speaking on stage. And the weary crowd suddenly gets silenced by a simple line quick and clear enough to hush everything.

    But I'm not taking anything away from the first stanza. I especially liked the bag of i love you's and the two lines that preceded it. They are striking to me because they are beautifully said but unpretentious in thought - pretty much like the rest of the piece.

    The ending is also quite solid. However, I must say that during my first quick read, I missed the impact. It could be because the harlequin statement was only used once and never alluded to again, it could be because I'm a fool to think that the two are connected or it could be that I merely read it wrong. Rest assured, the impact was there during my second reading.

    Anyway, thank you.
    | Posted on 2009-11-20 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      In this world two is such a fragile number
    answering easily to raining calls of sorrow.

    Ain't that the truth!

    This is all the truth, actually. I like the line about transparency... I always feel rather colorless when they take too much too fast, and like every new start on a relationship, they just want to absorb everything at first... then nitpick you to death in the end... it is thinning, like the pressed flower reference. It leaves you rather browned, stained, feeling old and see-through... Overly bleached with smiles and compromise.

    Excellent write, I really feel where this one is coming from.
    | Posted on 2009-11-18 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the visual form of the poem. It looks like a fish, or maybe an arrowhead. I would assume you meant it to be the latter. This alone is a difficult thing to achieve, in particular if you had a preconceived shape for the poem.

    I can't help but notice a parallel to some of the poems I wrote in my youth. At one point I tried to cut a heart with an arrow through it into my ankle. It would have been a fitting anogram for the next two decades to come, as I seem to be destined to be brokenhearted and unlucky in both life and love.

    Although I no longer cut, and do not hope by the following words to endorse it, I can understand this action which brings a strange sort of release. Blood for some reason looks uncannily like the velvety red petals of a rose. And, like it is said in the song Hurt, first sung by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, and then by Johnny Cash, I Hurt myself today, to see if I still feel; I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real."

    The poem itself is beautiful. I actually really like it, even though I must say I tend to be critical of so-called love-poems, in the same way I am critical of romance novels. There is a lingering bittersweet feeling here, an intensity and depth that many love poems lack. There is a lot here.
    You draw comparisons as the poem progresses that leave the feeling there is more to be said. It encourages the reader to think between the lines. In the third stanza, you say without saying that you feel like a flower that has been pressed between sheets of glass; the remnant of beauty that remains is withered and faded, if preserved. This faded image represents your hope, and sometimes hope can bring sorrow, because you wish it would die so that you can move on. There is also the feeling here of having lied to yourself. I can remember feeling this way after certain relationships, as if I was betrayed by my own soul. There was a self-hatred there, because "I should have seen it coming." For some reason this is infinitely worse than being lied to by someone else.

    Well-done.

    soul-hugger

    | Posted on 2009-11-16 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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