Description: this has been a revised poem of mine that i wrote a year ago thinking of this special someone. i have seen her again resently and can still see the inner beauty of her; gleefully dancing with our memories...
In Her Eyes (revised) -------------------------------------------
in her eyes i lose everything...
as time seems to stop i try to find myself; lost within a haze of true bliss...
as she gazes deep into my eyes it pierces through all the walls of my mind and shines down on to every inch of my soul; leaving me breathlessly questioning everything...
i remain speechless, searching for the words to truely express the awe of this moment; i notice her face, so gorgious and delicate, is calm and expressionless. but her eyes say everything when words are worthless...
"within your eyes i am taken to a place of love beyond taste, a place where love is true. This realm of perfection is the entirety of me and you; the good the bad the painful and all that is true."
-here i am forever lost with you-
as i look away and return to reality, i am left mesmerized by my glimpse of true perfection.
i soon look back. and now i find myself; locked in a state of shaken amazment at the discovery of Heaven and the words i seached for to express this statement:
"for within your eyes i find a world where life is true bliss and the reality is love beyond ecstasy..."
'if only it where you who i see laying here next to me...'
I like this. I like how you phrased 'Shaken state of amazement'
Its good play on words ^.^
One thing I noticed was-
within her eyes i am taken to a place of love beyond taste, a place where love is true. This realm of perfection is the entirety of me and you; the good the bad the painful and all that is true "here i am forever with you..."
You switch persons so that you continue to rhyme there with 'true' and 'you'. Dont worry about doing that, because you have alot of good rhymes already in that stanza[I guess its a stanza :D] and it would be okay to drop that one for the sake of grammar.
Again, good write love.
If you want me to critique it [aka BASHFEST! :D] you can just ask- you know where to find my page.
Thanks for reading my poem! I thought I'd catch your ideas on it and enjoyed your view of this situation. Especially the line "..her eyes say everything when words are worthless" because thats how it feels sometimes; like nothing I can say or do can ever really express that feeling inside. Good write! Another favorite line, I might add as I read it over again, "This realm of perfection is the entirety of me and you; the good the bad the painful and all that is true" Way to draw out the emotion and sum it all up. Keep up the good work.
This is really beautiful. It has a few technical errors, but if those were fixed, it would be perfect. I certainly don't want to be too nitpicky or anything, but it's such a pretty piece, I can't resist trying to help you make it perfect if I can... a few spelling quirks, like "soul" for 'sole' and 'beyoned tast' to "beyond taste". And then, "painful", "glimpse" and "statement"...
The last line containing 'it was you' should be "it were you", and that's really all. Just little technicalities, but it would really shine if those were touched up. I really do think it's beautiful.