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By Ethan Brody
Unspoken yielded vile.
Bullets turning into a phone call fired
Bigotry embodied in a vicious badge.
Words being uttered by words
Nonsense being inquired
Plus threats of cold night were pulled
If silence was to be denied
To it I mentioned freedom
But my tongue and heart got a needle.
In the end I just accepted and kept on pretending to be gentle!
| okay this struck a chord with me...|
and i see the ending as perfect for the poem, at least my vision of it...
i see this as a relationship...and the harsh words posed by the significant other, who may be going through a tough time...but the speaker needs to be patient...
i spent time married to a recovering alcoholic..and dealt with the personality...lots said not really intended...just anger being released..and i felt the need to be a cushion, a pillow... an outlet..while still trying to maintain love and sanity...
this speaks to me ....
|| Posted on 2011-07-16 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ] || im prbly completely off but this actually made me think of a crime commited and someone getting arrested.. and the bigotry is associated with the way the police sometimes are biast towards people, and when your silence was denied was because they wanted you to keep talking so you would get into bigger trouble. and in the end you accepted the fact that you got caught and just went with it. this is just my impression||| Posted on 2010-12-18 00:00:00 | by scardnscared | [ Reply to This ] || "Unspoken yielded vile" this seems incomplete to me, vile what? Maybe putting commas inbetween the words could emphasise it more.|
"Words being uttered by words", no this is not fitting to me, i would change it completely to something else. "words crafting words" comes to mind.
The ending is not fitting, drew me completely away from the main meaning and feel, i would tweak it a bit.
Overall i think this was a good piece but needs a bit of fiddling to optimise it.
|| Posted on 2009-11-26 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ] || I think Sheakhan did an excellent job in helping you out with the piece while giving suggestions that I might've given so I probably should touch upon most of those already mentioned.|
I like "words being uttered by words" because it's clever as far as the piece is concerned and it clarifies the plight of the persona. It alludes to the heartlessness of the scenario without being too direct about it. To a certain degree, it let's one feel instead of letting them know what's wrong.
I think that your major problem with this piece is that you try to compress everything within the clipped lines. It's like there is a limit to how much you can say so you try to chunk it in. I would suggest expanding. For this case, I think you should take your readers there instead of giving them the general view. Talk in details because the scenario I believe has the potential to stir those who experience it.
That's my advise. But then again, I can be wrong.
Anyway, thank you for sharing.
|| Posted on 2009-11-20 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] || "Unspoken yielded vile."|
The "U" doesn't need to be capitalized here. Capital letters are used from Proper nouns, beginning lines, and emphasis. Since this is still the same line as the first, the capitalization causes the reader to pause a moment, curious as to why you capitalized and in doing so, they forget the flow.
"Bullets turning into a phone call fired"
Turning? Or turned? Turned seems like it would sound better here, perhaps even be more proper in this context. This line should end with a period or semi-colon, as the following line:
"Bigotry embodied in a vicious badge." is an entirely seperate thought.
Also, the line "Bigotry embodied in a vicious badge.", while a fantastic concept, seems a little unrelated to the preceding lines.
"Words being uttered by words"
This is abstract, but nonsensical. I like it but others might not. Do what you feel you should with this, keeping it isn't a terrible mistake, replacing or rewording it would fly too. Regardless, it should be seperated from the following line with a period. Read your piece aloud and pause where you want the reader to pause. Periods go where you want long pauses, and seperations between ideas. Commas do the same, but allow a shorter pause, and connect the thoughts in a line still.
Punctuation is your tool for putting form to the piece so your readers don't get confused, so they can intuit the flow.
"Nonsense being inquired
Plus threats of cold night were pulled
If silence was to be denied
To it I mentioned freedom"
The first line is awkward, perhaps something like "Senseless questions asked" or the like. It's cumbersome as it is now, consider rewording it to allow for easier interpretation, you want your reader to relate to your words, so don't be afraid to dumb things down, or simplify to facilitate this. The "plus" in the second line really detracts from the piece, it seems out of place. Replace it with equivalent words, or perhaps reword the entire line to avoid this.
The last two lines are very hard to interpret, or maybe I'm just dense. The first of these two makes sense, but the following line leaves a question unanswered: "What is this 'IT' you are mentioning freedom to?" answer this question by elaborating or modifying the statement.
The entirety of the above stanza could use punctuation for the natural pauses, and once more, don't confuse your reader by capitalizing unecessarily. Make this an easier read and your readers will relate that much easier, every little bit counts. Attention to detail can be a poet's best friend.
"But my tongue and heart got a needle."
I know what you're trying to say here, but it's almost cryptic, and a bit vague. The capital "B" once more is not needed and this line could be put more simply, to greater effect. It would easily be made into a more cohesive and impactful thought with just a few tweaks.
"In the end I just accepted and kept on pretending to be gentle!"
This is an excellent end-point, but a little too cutesy. The wording could be altered to carry a little more of an impact. I would suggest using harsher words here to make your point that you are, begrudgingly, biting your tongue. Also, the exclamation point is out of place here. Shout this line aloud and you'll see what I mean.
All in all, a good piece, the concept isn't lost on me, and I enjoyed the thought you conveyed here, with a bit of work you can create a much more structured, cohesive piece that will, I expect, speak to most who read it. Everyone has relationships like this, where, despite the indecencies, harsh words, and pointed aggressions of another, they are resigned to a simple nodding of their head, a bitter quiet that is far stretched from their actual inclinations.
Thank you for the read, keep at it.
|| Posted on 2009-11-20 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ] |