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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: letter to Kdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: weepingwillow
    ASL Info:    23/f/Brighton
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 38/75/35
    Words: 238
    Class/Type: Fanfic/Satire
    Total Views: 819
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1444



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsletter to Kdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Why does this hurt?
    Since you know me so well and you do not attempt to iron it outDoes it mean you have nothing worth saying???We flirt and skirt the edge of hostility,although I love you like a brother,,You rarely leave my thoughts.
    I punish myself with the knowledge that you and I shared carnal bliss.That it is a secret is the root of my anguish.
    I do not think your story would differ.

    Will you never look at me lovingly?

    Involuntary whimpers blow glass which shifts whole oceans;I am flotsam borne of the waves when you take off your shirt,and the light hits your brown,marbled back.The tides roll.I feel like a grown up for the first time.Like anything is possible,and you facilitated that,but what was your intention.Whatever it was you lifted me to the point of no return,and now Im Air.And you are too,and we mesh in the sphere of intellect,and you stoke my fire most,and I feel so real,when we discuss the world outside of ourselves.I forget my idiosyncracies,and am absorbed.It is too hard living with you,its driving me insane,I dont think the pain will wane,this house is a seive and the despicable parts of me stay on top;bitter jealousy,greed,posessiveness.Impossible to remain as friends,especially when we have yet to discuss our feelings,sometimes I feel like you still want me,but have chosen not to,and Ive yet to forget- your original decision to endeavour to pleasure..




    Submitted on 2009-11-21 16:30:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think if you pay a little attention to the formatting that will pay immediate dividends. or a block of work I thought it had a nice weight about it. The pieces I like to read most are ones where the feeling comes through and rewards the reader by taking them into the moment. You have that here in parts.

    A few things to work on might be to make some of the rhyme less obstrusive, you have a few places where the rhyme is too close,imo, and where there's too much of the same sound. I think that only draws attention to the rhyme instead of letting it do its work all on its own.

    You have a couple of hideous clichés in there....stoke my fire... and...

    They kind of stand out because some of the language used is rather sophisticated(as with the thoughts expressed) so that might be worth a look.

    didin't get the feeling that this was conjured. It feels real to me and so that's a wonderful aspect to this.

    Just work at presenting it in its best light and you should draw a few more moths to your literary flame.
    | Posted on 2009-12-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      L3 outDoes= out. Does
    L4 brother,,= brother,
    L 15 Im = I'm
    L 20 bitter = bitterness ( I think it reads better)
    L 21 (I'd drop the as)
    L 24 to pleasure= into pleasure (while not necessary it seem more complete to me.)

    I love the line flirt and skirt simply because Using the word skirt gives it a distinctively feminine perspective. the rhyme feels too easy to me almost child like but the content is very adult I think that this actually favors the piece because of feeling like and adult for the first time. It's sexy and passionate and yet sad just the same. It sucks when the feeling isn't returned.

    Did I tell you I've got a boy on the way? We also have shenandoah's 14 year old niece living with us now it's been crazy. All of a sudden I have to act like a dad and teach driving soon too.
    Yes I like tenacious D esp the self titled because it's more music oriented ie Wonder Boy, The greatest song in the world and rock your socks off.

    take care Jade
    | Posted on 2009-12-06 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


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