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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 11.22.09.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Theophilus
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 116/174/95
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 760
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 909



    Description:
       .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots11.22.09.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    They say if you whisper to the world
    “I believe in fairies I believe in fairies I believe in fairies”
    that their magic comes alive, like a flower bursting into bloom,
    like the sun exploding in your eyes,
    like that first time your fingertips grazed my arm,
    somewhere the fairies are rubbing sleep from their eyes,
    and no matter what anyone else says,

    its real.


    They say that loves a fairytale.

    But I don’t care...
    “ I believe in love, I believe in love, I believe in love.“
    And somewhere there’s a beautiful boy
    with sugar lips and dew drop eyes
    that open for the very first time as I breathe my spell,
    and he can feel his heart thrum
    like a hummingbird and for the first time,

    he’s alive.










    Submitted on 2009-11-22 19:45:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      like the first time your fingertips grazed my arm...

    people place so much emphasis on first times..
    now it could be because i am rediculously in love and so far away from my boy but you know... every time his finger tips grazed my arm my heart would skip.

    i love the way this piece sounds so naive... you know... well i dont care what anyone else says... its real...

    so many people dont believe in love any more. and fair enough... theres been a whole lot of over use that has lead to i and love and you being words that, when strung together arent are powerful and omnipotent as they once were...

    yeah. i like this one.
    | Posted on 2009-12-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      

    Not long ago I happened through some weird twist meet the grand or great grand or possibly great great grand (not sure which) child of one of the girls in those photos from that great fairy hoax in the early 1900's. She had the photos with her and told me that while these were actually cut outs of drawn fairies there was one photo, more vague than the others, that captured a real fairy. It was a priceless chance meeting that I feel honored to have experienced.

    Thought I'd pass that along to you. And yes, she believed in fairies.

    The sweet naivete of this write is lovely and honest. Naivete sometimes knows best and what else do we have sometimes but the hope that love or fairies do truly exist.

    I believe they do. I know for a fact that at least one of the two does.

    A couple small things that could improve:

    'like that first time your fingertips graze my arm,' -- the sentence reads as though this has already happened, in which case 'grazed' is more suiting. If you're speaking of something that will happen in the future perhaps changing the 'that' to 'the' will make it less pinpointed in time.

    An idea: What do you think of detaching 'its real.' from the rest of the stanza? Just to provide further emphasis. And then to do the same thing with 'he's alive'. Let them stand apart. I think it would create a lovely tie in.

    'They say that loves a fairytale.

    But I don't care what they say.'

    -- here, 'love's' and maybe shorten the second above mentioned line to 'But I don't care.' as the rest can already be assumed.

    Apart of me feels that for this to end simply with 'he's alive' would be beautiful, so final and sure. It sums up the whole write. Which would mean doing away with the last stanza. Rather than doing away with, maybe there is a way to incorporate it into the body of the write though. They're beautiful, just out of place.

    Hope that helps and isn't too confusing. My mind's a mess at the moment.

    This is wonderfully genuine, indeed.
    | Posted on 2009-11-24 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the genuine nature of this write up is what makes it strong. I like the fact that it seems to rationalize the subject but it doesn't feel detached. In that sense, your tone and your wording worked well together.

    However, to me, it feels unfinished and I think it's because of that last stanza. It feels rushed and I think that's because your ending included elements that are not entirely connected to the first two stanzas. I think that you should gather pieces (literal and/or figurative) of the first two stanzas to make a stronger conclusion. Maybe you can handle the third one the same way you handled the first two. Have something said about Northern stars and treat it the way you treated fairies and fairytales. That's just one way to go about it (and I don't think it's the best but I can't think of a good example right now. )

    But anyway, the way you weave through the piece is pretty good. In the first two stanzas, it didn't feel like you forced anything or overdid anything.

    And I can imagine this turning really really good in the future. I hope you don't give up on it. This has a lot of potential.
    | Posted on 2009-11-23 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Really beautiful, the line: They say that loves a fairytale. I don't know if everybody fits there or if you were going for something else, or if I am being stupid and my dang screen is becoming harder to see through... At any rate, yeah, this is soft and sweet and really, you and clayman would make a good collab team... catch him in one of those warm/fuzzy moods, he can be scary when he's PO'd... LOL, j/k... but it's definitely a clash of styles then.
    | Posted on 2009-11-23 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is really inspirational and something to keep the throes of a doubting heart at bay. I really suck at providing ideas to improve upon when i enjoyed a piece so i can say that i like it, maybe the structuring or flow needs improvement but i feel unqualified to make that judgement here. This whole piece reminds me of a fairytale and all the good things in life, i think it could link in well with my piece "Slip Away", hey maybe we should collaborate some day and create something so drippingly sweet and fuzzy that the uninitiated would want to cringe as we describe all the fluff and candy of the sweetest things? Hmm sounds good to me. Anyways i liked it.
    | Posted on 2009-11-23 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]


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