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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: diSCor><daNCedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Syn
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 115/136/83
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 918
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1085



    Description:
       FICTION. Work of mental exercise.

    Now commeeeeeeeeeent, comment awaaay, and I am sooo glad that only a couple people even saw the abomination I had drunkenly posted before. This... is the result of some gooood shit.

    Now, feast... Feeeeeeaaaaasssstttt.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdiSCor><daNCedots
    -------------------------------------------


    ***********************************************

    for you was i created, by you am i unmade
    five by five, what you've left of my mind
    and i don't think it's a fair trade
    but five by five is not near enough time
    for these scars to go from inflict to fade

    for you was i created, by you am i unmade
    hour by hour, i fold my mind and forget
    you smile at me, undeservingly, and say:
    'don't get upset, don't fret, it's just a threat, my dear-
    don't get saucy; get stupid, you're just a pet; lay here!'

    for you was i created, by you am i unmade
    bruise by bruise, it happens too soon
    -these marks are not always displayed
    much like confetti; my psyche is strewn
    pattern on the floor in the shape of a blade

    +--|-|>>>>>>>

    {for you was i created, by you am i unmade}


    ***********************************************




    Submitted on 2009-11-23 01:07:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting. I like the way the words roll, if you get what I mean. The rhythm, however, is off here and there, mostly at the end of a stanza. That's the only thing that really bugs me about this piece, that I have to work to make the rhythm and imagery fit. Anyway, interesting imagery as far as that goes. LOVE the line "my psyche is strewn/ pattern on the floor in the shape of a blade."
    | Posted on 2010-05-19 00:00:00 | by Shadowstar13 | [ Reply to This ]
      The last repeating line: remove the ellipse. I think if you make that a final statement, you give the poem a stronger foundation.
    The sword reminds me of Zelda.
    Better, a lot more whimsical and less drab.
    | Posted on 2009-11-23 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


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