Description: "His moans and curses and prayers are not different from any others to be heart in this world."- R.P Warren
The Silent Pianist -------------------------------------------
I wished to God that I would die tonight. I can't say goodbye.
I wished that sorrow didn't have to flower over her like that, and condemn her to her own heart.
I write music. To things that are new and beautiful.
I fought for greater glory, my heart just held me back.
When I write music I have infront of me a faded photograph, black and white. The glass cracked.
I write music. For hearts that get blacker until they can't can't black no more.
I've killed men with music. I've broken people to pityful depths.
Though my art I am a painter and a writer. And through my art I lie. My heart is only an instrument.
I write music. Because the soul bows to tradgedy. You are tragic.
My soul couldn't rest until I came to you. Though the music I create no longer has any meaning to me. I'm afraid it's too late.
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There's nothing left in this painter.
I guess it's all about how lucky we are. That's all.
God me.
I disagree that it's TOO repetitive, in fact, I think that the purposeful repetition emphasises the emotion and the dark past of the pianist, seated at his instrument with a damaged soul that seeps through his fingers and into his music.
I guess this piece just speaks to me as a fellow pianist, and that's really all a writer can hope for, to touch another this deeply with mere words. I'm sorry, I know that's not really very constructive, but, tbh, I've been writing this comment for 15 minutes now and I can't think of anything else to say.
I do agree that breaking the stanzas differently will make it easier for the reader, but the edginess of the way you've written it just seems to fit with the imagery and the emotive intent.
So basically, I really like it :)
Write some more, you've got talent. Although, coming from a teenager I guess that doesn't stand for much. Nevertheless, I mean it.
This one is hard for me because, as I read, it feels TOO repetitive and sorta hum-drum... I could however, see it as a performance piece. More of a slam poetry type of thing. I agree with Aly that it could use some editing in certain parts, and the very end can be done away with completely.
It feels like you did a decent job at giving life to your abstracts, but still I feel that something is lacking... What is present in abundance however is that stereotypical Heavy "POETRY" that people caricature and parody constantly... I'm pretty positive that you don't speak this way normally, so the voice seems too exaggerated, too dressed up and trying to make an impact by sounding obscure and once again "POETIC" with extra emphasis on everything. I should know because I used to write this way until a creative writing teacher smacked some sense into me.
Maybe I'm being too harsh here, as of course the art is yours to create. Hell, maybe you were even shooting for that over the top "POETIC" style to better personify your character, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Personal opinion.
Oh and you might want to add an "r" to the "though" in the third stanza as I'm almost positive you meant it to read through.
I think that this could be really good with a little editing.
Firstly, your lines feel a little too long, they make this hard to digest. I'll suggest some different line breaks (though I'm not all that good at this myself), I hope that's ok. I'll put my other suggestions in it, too, and any spelling corrections.
I wished to God
that I would die tonight.
I can't say goodbye.
I wished that sorrow
didn't have to flower over her like that,
condemning her to her own heart.
I write music
to things that are new and beautiful.
I fought for greater glory,
my heart just held me back.
When I write music
I have in front of me a faded photograph,
black and white.
The glass cracked.
I write music,
for hearts that get blacker until
they can't black any more.
I've killed men with music;
I've broken people to pityful depths.
Through my art I am a painter and a writer.
And through my art I lie. (live?)
My heart is only an instrument.
I write music
because the soul
bows to tragedy.
You are tragic.
My soul couldn't rest
until I came to you,
though the music I create
no longer has any meaning.
I think the ending is stronger with those bits taken out, and I've changed a couple of words to make this read better. I think you really have the bones of something here, and if you came back to it with the intention to edit you would note these things, too.
It's quite a surreal piece, in that it leaps from subject to subject. The verses don't connect in terms of content, but your tone is consistent throughout, which keeps this feeling like a whole.
Submission Name: The Silent Pianist
