I have a dark angel who visits me sometimes,
She has left her mark by ugly swollen lines,
She comes in the darkness when things are so bad,
She stares into my eyes & makes me so mad,
She takes my soul and gives it away,
She sends me out by myself to play,
She sends me out, out in the dark, dark rain
It's this darkness that send me blindingly insane.
She takes my hand & holds it tight
She knows not any form of light,
She has a favourite colour that she loves to see
But in the form of liquid her colour must be,
She watches me hurt, she watches me cry
She watches in silence while my pain I defy,
She says nothing, for she cannot speak,
She is in control of me because I am too weak.
Her clothes are dark, her wings are dyed
With the colour that my lines have cried,
The colour of evil, the colour of death,
The colour my lines have always wept.
You will find my life on the tip of her wings
When deep in the darkness, my pain she brings.
| I have no bad comments about this particular piece of work. It is brilliantly written and the pain it displays in my mind sends shivers down my spine. Welcome to my favorites list. |
P.S. I hope to show you that I am one of the one a million men that is a human being my friend.
|| Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ] || Is this literal? Or, rather, does the Dark Angel represent something more significant, or is it just a random subject you plucked out of the sky, and wrote this poem about?|
As a few have said already, more variation won't hurt, however, repetition, when used wisely, can be used to great effect, for instance to create the effect of plodding on, or maybe how life is repetitive.
If such messages were your intention, great, if not... well, you get the point
|| Posted on 2004-06-07 00:00:00 | by runedot | [ Reply to This ] || I agree with Adam, it needs more variation. At first glance look at it's structure. I, I, I, she, she, she. Just looking at the beginning. Anything that makes the poem seem even the slightest bit monotonous, kill it. Try to strengthen the end rhyme. Many times people just grab the first thing that 'fits' and end up weaking their write by making predictable and simple. There are many words you can use implace of simple rhymes without affecting the quality. The more time you spend the better the write will be.||| Posted on 2004-03-31 00:00:00 | by Webmaster | [ Reply to This ] || This is wonderful. I love the way you set it up, how almost every line starts with "she"... I don't know, it just catches my attention. It flows together really well too. :D. No flaws that I can point out... ||| Posted on 2004-02-12 00:00:00 | by Lexi | [ Reply to This ] || I liked it...I thought it had a lot of imagery. It painted a beautiful feeling in my head. The only 2 questions I have is where is this pain coming from, and why is it there. I ask that because she bringing you pain, but is it because of a memory, is she just haunting you. ITs like you give me a really good story and still leave me with questions. I love the poem. I am just curious. ||| Posted on 2004-02-12 00:00:00 | by Nashataku | [ Reply to This ] || alot of emotion went into this, creating a mixture of feeling and imagery, which is nice... although cliché and repetitive, this holds good structure for a decent re-write... maybe break it up so it isnt so repetitive as a whole, and try to lay off repeating words in each verse... i do like that you personalized this, made it yours, i just feel that it had alot more potential and would like to see a re-write and restructure.... nice job keep writing||| Posted on 2004-02-12 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ] || It flows together really well. I love the way you set it up. i did not see anything wrong with the poem that i could tell you. i think that this was wonderful. lia ||| Posted on 2004-06-11 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ] |