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    dots Submission Name: Materfamilias Idots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 432
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 999
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 3093

       Just writing, nothing fancy just felt like writing.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMaterfamilias Idots

    Upon summit's breach i saw her,
    sitting in lotus, unfaltered by icy torrents.
    A statue i presumed
    until her hair spoke differently
    to the tugs of frosty hands in frenzied flight.

    With diminished strut i approached.
    The ancient matriarch had opaque skin,
    her ivory eyes wandered through me
    into the distant dance of the horizon.
    Around her a circle of ice was non existent
    and for just a moment a flashing glow
    was revealed to my layman's vision. Her aura.

    "What knowing eludes you?"
    Her creaky voice commanded above wind,
    startling me as i never saw her lips move.
    "I am in need of insight. Wisdom. Please."
    My words fought out against the blaze.

    My questions lined up,barely stirring
    in my mind when she answered.

    "Speak not of past remembrance
    in witches' breath
    for life is but a prism,
    refracting all things planned."

    My attempts at comprehension cowered
    as her voice drove the riddle deeper.

    "Obscurity is an inkblot
    perching on the shoulders of the frail,
    those who are shown to study life's lines
    yet taught to live between
    seldom deny failure."

    In a sluggish embrace
    i started understanding
    the answers she posed
    but they only paved the way
    for more questions unsolved.

    "How do i escape
    this tarnished haven
    that i have become?"
    I inquired in brittling speech.

    "Standing next to your shadow
    disproves not segregation
    just as counting the lines in my face
    does not prove that you can see.
    Remember, trust is mercurial,
    fluid yet unattainable
    if you possess no solid embodiment.
    It is easily lost."

    I was lost again, blown away
    like soft plumes in summer skies.
    Her words shackled my mind once more.
    So much was said
    but i could not see the stars in any of it.


    "NOW GO!"

    Her final utterances were still ringing
    in question-mark echoes
    as my focus shifted outward
    to the droning tempo
    of my
    frantic heartbeat.

    I found myself back in my body
    as the chirping of birds cemented
    the thoughts of familiar territory
    into my mind
    along with the cold caress
    of sweat covering me.

    The journey was complete in mystery
    but inconclusive
    on the sought after answers,
    yet i have indeed learnt alot by going.
    A few strands of ancient milky strings
    protruded from inside my fist.
    Her hair.

    A sign of her presence.


    Submitted on 2009-11-25 05:44:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I love the way you present your maieutic intent here by using the sage on the mountain top as its instrument . Personally I am in awe with the mysticism of it all , but if I express this in first person I can wind up sounding like a vicar from his pulpit . "Speak not of past remembrance in witches' breath for life is but a prism , refracting all things planned." I like this verse a lot . I often feel that it is only in reflected refraction that we understand the things around us because that is how we actually perceive them . " but they only paved the way for more questions unsolved." One of my instructors in college had a saying "The more I know , the more I know I don't know ." Real piece of wisdom that . I like the woman's last oracle like comments . I have often felt we should all take off the masks and remove our hats and let the mystic symbiosis of spiritual sky guide us to wisdom . I enjoy your touch with the final lines , with the hair being a concrete reminder of the discourse . Seriously this is great . I see few problems with the mother tongue dilemma . Don't sell yourself short , this is very good !

    | Posted on 2011-06-18 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      i gotta say man, this is pretty fabulous. the story telling here is fantastic for such stuff, and yet it seems like you managed to keep a personal resolve within it, or at least let yourself wander here. which is great. i really felt this one, i'm gonna fav. it. the grammatical stuff i don't care about, but publishers do, and considering this is short, i think personally that the female character, this allusive witch, works good. now if this was, much longer, a progression into her message may be more necessary, but it works giving length. found this one thoroughly enjoyable, i'll read it plenty more times.
    | Posted on 2010-11-15 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a good grasp for story-telling, that much is evident. I do wonder at some of your linebreaks in this, though; as an example, I'll go with this strophe and linebreak it differently:

    "Obscurity is an inkblot perching on the
    shoulders of the frail, those who are
    shown to study life's lines yet taught to
    live between seldomly deny failure."


    "Obscurity is an inkblot
    perching on the shoulders of the frail,
    those who are shown to study life's lines
    yet taught to live between
    seldom deny failure."

    I know it's a highly personal thing, these linebreaks, but I'm just suggesting you look at this differently, in terms of rhythm, cadence, flow, and what have you. You'll find a lot of writers end up breaking it so that the end or starting word of any line is given more prominence. At least, that's the theory behind it. Added afterthought: it's "seldom", not "seldomly" -- bad grammar alert. I would scan this whole piece for spelling and grammar, too i.e I think you meant "unattainable", and "brittle" instead of "brittling". Minor things, but definitely things you should deal with if you're serious about writing as an art-form over its obvious therapeutic value...

    With that said, I think you do well in giving voice to your philosophies through this female character. However, it does border on preaching, but not overly so in the grand scheme of things. It's... just... something to be wary of because it turns a lot of people off, that's all. At least, it does for me as I prefer it to be more subtly said.

    I need to go to sleep.
    But... here's a critique for you, finally, like I promised.
    | Posted on 2009-11-30 00:00:00 | by trinityfinger | [ Reply to This ]
      Always fascinates me, the various kinds of information that various people like to elaborate for Mysterious Wisdom! That's why I like this poem. It implies a definition of what sort of stuff Mysterious Wisdom should be!

    The diction and lineation seem at first like prose; but are subtle verse, best recited out loud and very graceful then. I like that too.

    I always reckon it's a disadvantage to a little poem if it tries to deal directly with a big topic. I think this poem has that disadvantage - but on the other hand, it has the advantage that more people will read all of it, because it is short, even if no answers nor even questions are satisfactorily complete! Maybe that's not a useful criticism; but it's the thought I had about this poem. Anyway, it's a beautiful poem and I think you write fine verse by intuition; a good poet's talent.
    | Posted on 2009-11-29 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I was lost again, blown away like soft
    plumes in summer skies. Her words
    shackled my mind once more. So much
    was said but i could not see the stars in
    any of it.

    A few strands of ancient milky strings
    protruded from inside my fist.
    Her hair.

    imitates Shawn's voice "i just felt like writing" **rolls her eyes. if THIS is what happens when you just happen to touch a pen to paper im in awe of what might happen if you were trying. youve got more talent in a strand of hair then i think my entire country has combined. ridiculous.
    | Posted on 2009-11-26 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]
      I wish I could find the Wise Crone of the Caves and beseech such answers... with my luck, she'd be watching Oprah on wifi and have the Out-To-Lunch sign on her shrub-way.

    I am in full agreement with Soul on this one... I love the lengths, the stability of your focus in writing. I can never go the distance, I get tired or antsy. That's how I know I would never make it up the mountain.

    I think some of the best stuff written sometimes is the spur-of-the-moment thought that you wrote the first time... trying to re-remember fleeting passages of the mind is too hard :) even without weed.

    I think it's the perfect touch to add, you brought back a strand of hair... it implies a holding on to the vision, a grab to bring it all back with you, to prove it was real. I get that alot, especially when I've hit the lottery or found gold coins in my dreams... you've never seen such desperation to bridge the gap and come back with things... The hair is a nice touch, tho, seriously makes the imagery stick. Bravo!
    | Posted on 2009-11-26 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, Clayman. You say you only wrote this because you felt like writing, but I think it is amazing. It is sometimes difficult to have continuity of thought throughout such a long piece, and to maintain it as a poem and not as a piece of prose. This you manage to do beautifully. It is as though you have been to the top of Mount Olympus and met up with Demeter Herself, Earth Mother and giver of life, to seek her counsel. Somehow also brings forth for me images of the lost continent of Atlantis, its giant inhabitants lost forever in the icy depths of the sea.

    The words you bestow upon her evoke a deep wisdom and insight, and also portray the riddles spoken by the ancient wise decisively. I will be back to read this again to try to extract the deeper meaning, but it is obvious to me that you have thought about this deeply and I appreciate this greatly. It's as if you actually had such a dream or vision. An excellent piece.

    | Posted on 2009-11-25 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]

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