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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: (Let's Not Talk About It)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 409/221/65
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 539
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1096



    Description:
       A work in progress. I need to work on the title, as this took an unexpected direction today as I wrote it down and changed some of the wording. I no longer feel the title is fitting. I'd like to hear your thoughts.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots(Let's Not Talk About It)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let us not bring into memory
    The shady lanes of the past
    Or shine dappled sunlight on its
    Cool and unforgiving surfaces,
    Where labyrinthine trails wind into
    Dark spaces
    And stretch into oblivion.

    Let's not talk about
    The wasted nights I spent
    Entangled in his rosebush arms,
    Entombed in the silence of trapped air and moisture,
    Where one tear-shaped raindrop hung restlessly
    From arrowhead tips; (a drop of blood
    against velvety petals, wrapped up
    and tied in red ribbons.)

    Let us not elaborate on
    The moments I spent comforted
    In the arms of madness; or count
    The harvest moons I never saw;
    A single shaft of light
    Leading to this day,
    And also,
    to you.

    Let us not talk about
    What brought us together,
    Or the void that rests between us;
    You, with your miners'-cap,
    And I, head turned aside,
    Holding my treasures
    before you.






    Submitted on 2009-11-26 12:36:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Erin: I feel the title is quite quaintly apropos , kind of an ipso facto , ergo sort of thing that truly fills the bill . I really love the lines

    Where labyrinthine trails wind into
    Dark spaces
    And stretch into oblivion.

    I've always felt that trying to get to know a person presents a mystery of truly infinite proportion and labyrinth trails that stretch into oblivion . It's always hard when you make that investment and it turns out to be "wasted nights" that leave you wounded and suppressed when in honesty your still "wrapped in red ribbons" . I feel you have said these things with alacritous felicity , and most artistically . The third verse I don't relate to as well as the preceding for the only time I've spent "comforted in the arms of madness" was with women whose passions I knew were true , and I certainly didn't mind the harvest moons I might have missed when wrapped In their love . I think what I mean to say is that the meaning is not clear to me here . Perhaps with "the harvest moons I never saw" you are complaining about the fact that the crops you planted hadn't grown , and how this forced you to see clearly in the spotlight his shortcomings . In the fourth verse I just love the "miner's cap" analogy but in light of the rest of the poem it makes me wonder why your still holding out your treasures to his wanton grasp .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2010-10-28 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      This needs to be longer and I disagree with changing the title, why not just lose the parenthesis?
    It'll stand more on it's own.Fav lines

    1! Entombed in the silence of trapped air and mositure,
    Where one tear-shaped raindrop hung restlessly
    from arrowhead tips;

    2! Let us not elaborate on
    The moments I spent comforted
    In the arms of madness;

    Very thought provoking and descriptive.
    But if you asked me I'd say you had it in you for one more stanza. Nice read and skillfully put together.*Thumbs up* RG
    | Posted on 2010-09-04 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      My tendency when I write poetry is to axe the contraction. I my opinion the full words sound better. I love the line "Let us not bring into memory" It sets a fitting tone for the work, that this is a serious issue that needs to addressed properly, no half-talk. But the line "Let's not bring into memory" flows better with your second, the syllable count is closer and the first line reads easier into the next. It speeds up the pace of the work by a beat so you may consider other adjustments if you decide to take that suggestion, trimming down the syllable count to make it more uniform, maybe even make the syllable count descend in steady increment line by line until you get to "Dark space." Very elaborate thought, I apologize but hopefully you can make sense of it and maybe it will be meaningful to you.

    I would suggest:
    Where labyrinthine trails wind to
    Dark spaces that stretch into oblivion

    I would consider taking out the I until the last stanza. I think it would help the middle stanzas really grab the reader the way the first stanza does. There is a real authority that dims in the next two stanzas. Saving the I for the last stanza would serve to shift the poem to close in a traditional sense and also keep the voice very strong and relevant.

    So:
    "Let us not talk about
    The wasted nights spent
    Entangled in rosebush arms,
    Entombed in the silence of trapped air
    Where one raindrop hangs restlessly
    From an arrowhead tip;
    (a drop of blood
    Against velvety petals, wrapped up
    And tied in red ribbons.)"
    Or something like that. In the last line I think "and tied in ribbons" would sound very nice but red ribbons is specific.

    I love the flow of your work, its unrelenting in a calming way. It reminds me of my own work because I aspire to have the compact power your words possess. Poetry at its best, in my opinion (if that counts for anything at all), should be evocative and emanate a web of emotions from a very essential source; the words the poet chooses. And its impressive to me that familiar words can be made to emote so powerfully.

    Apologize for the length and any errors that might make the comment useless. Hope this is helpful, if anything is unclear I would be happy to elaborate. If you decide to edit I would enjoy seeing a draft.
    | Posted on 2010-07-28 00:00:00 | by roycureton | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this piece of work is wonderful and you succeeded to let the reader know how you are hurt.
    And what I liked most is:

    " Let's not talk about
    the wasted nights
    I spent entangled
    In his rosebush arms,
    Entombed in the silence
    Of trapped air and moisture,
    One tear-shaped raindrop hung restlessly
    From arrowhead tips;
    A drop of blood against velvety petals
    Wrapped up and tied in red ribbons."

    how wonderful those lines are. Good Job.

    | Posted on 2010-06-22 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
      
    | Posted on 2010-04-30 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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