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    dots Submission Name: Romantic Gibberishdots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    3.95 - 139/254/170
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 1054
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 516


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    dotsRomantic Gibberishdots

    The night is closing in around me,
    Putting its palm upon my head
    And holding gently in the corner
    The steep caress of my heartbreak.

    His eyes would linger for a moment,
    His breath would wind itself to me;
    This tease, this laugh, this persuasion -
    I am resolved, I shall not steer.

    I cannot stoop along the shadows,
    I cannot keep the promise heard,
    The night is closing in around me –
    So swift, so innocent, so hurt…

    Submitted on 2009-11-29 03:24:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My heart has been set to burst lately and I find myself picking around this site looking for other people's perspectives to this malady. Or should that be melody? I'm not sure. But you pick up on intangibles here and make it somehow real and living, breathing as such.

    Your first two lines I can empathise with greatly most nights. Magically said.
    | Posted on 2010-01-01 00:00:00 | by trinityfinger | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is quite lovely.

    The two lines that might need a bit of work are the ones with repetition.

    'this tease' seems to clash against the previous tense

    and in the last line it feels a little flat...

    I see that you've tried to match both those lines up and that's pretty effective but it's not quite there yet.

    Quietly sad, and lovely.
    | Posted on 2009-12-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      You describe pain in an elegant way here and all the emotions portrayed seem innocent at first until you delve deeper to see that all is not just roses. I like the shortness of this piece, to me it speaks of the short bursts of emotion that get us when it comes to love or love lost. These bursts are quite intense and could cripple us easily. A wonderful read, i loved it.
    | Posted on 2009-11-29 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]

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