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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: mouthfuls of hungry swansdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blackbird
    ASL Info:    31/male/reykjavik iceland
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 194/328/300
    Words: 209
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 400
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1489



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmouthfuls of hungry swansdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i'm seeing a world through wooden lips,
    my fists balled around dried moss
    & a sugar of missing tree bark,
    the silver sliver of the forest
    beneath me, swallowing at my feet
    like mouthfuls of hungry swans..

    & i only have one layer
    of soil to cling to you.

    yet you once knew me
    with a sun of amber
    splitting from my only tongue,
    heart exposed with ivory eggs
    nesting on a crooked neck of moon.
    without thorns, are we like
    the summers forgotten flowers?
    but it only ever takes your hands,
    long-fingered like sparrows rising,
    to remind me of my past.

    the bones know
    where the body's been,
    keeping a lifetimes
    worth of secrets
    to themselves
    unable to relate their journey
    except through pain.
    i wonder if the ocean
    hides its anguish
    amongst the coral.

    i often live in coral remembering..

    i see this aura around everything.
    it's foggy like dreaming,
    or memory or writing.
    i can see it floating there,
    absorbing horizons & the faces of friends.
    it's almost like heavens
    are rising from each of us,
    either trying to find their way home
    or escape it.
    it makes me wonder
    if hell travels inwards,
    listening to our bones
    as they're dying.




    Submitted on 2009-12-07 01:54:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey! Remember me? I've been gone a while but now I'm back and I wanted to comment on your latest offering. So many of your words are so lovely. So many are baffling to me.

    I think my favorite part of the poem is:

    the bones know
    where the body's been,
    keeping a lifetimes
    worth of secrets
    to themselves
    unable to relate their journey
    except through pain.
    i wonder if the ocean
    hides its anguish
    amongst the coral.

    i often live in coral remembering..

    It almost seems to me that from that part of the poem to the end is a poem in and of itself.


    I'm having some trouble with the beginning of the third stanza though:

    I'm yet you once knew me
    with a sun of amber
    splitting from my only tongue,
    heart exposed with ivory eggs
    nesting on a crooked neck of moon.
    without thorns, are we like
    the summers forgotten flowers?
    but it only ever takes your hands,
    long-fingered like sparrows rising,
    to remind me of my past.

    For instance:

    I'm yet you once knew me

    Maybe its the lack of punctuation in this first line or is there some sort of a typo?

    Also I don't understand the ". . .splitting from my only tongue" line. Is a snake reference? Why did you choose the word "only" ? How many tongues should we expect one to have?

    I love these lines though:

    the summers forgotten flowers?
    but it only ever takes your hands,
    long-fingered like sparrows rising,
    to remind me of my past.

    I guess my overall crit is that this seems unfinished. Or like it is three or four poems in one. The images and emotions you evoke are wonderful but they seem disjointed from one another and I find it hard to connect the dots between the sparrow fingers and the hungry swans and the wooden lips.

    Still, I love to read you and you always force me to read and reread your work when I come to it. Perhaps that is all that is important????

    -Jane
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this the other day and then clicked on community and saw it still languishing.

    That's bull [censored].

    Catch up with this and you and your work in the next 24hrs.

    Hope you are well guy. :)
    | Posted on 2009-12-08 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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    180896

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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