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    dots Submission Name: Brothers.dots

    Author: Orin
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 93/97/43
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 887
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 816


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    We've spent the last three years apart,
    I knew it'd change us, from the start.
    We were just little kids back then,
    But three years later, we are men.
    Despite the changes we have made,
    Our bonds of friendship didn't fade.

    The calls we made to one another,
    We didn't even have to bother.
    Six thousand miles between us lay
    We knew we'd always be okay.
    And now that I am back in town,
    All sorts of fun will soon go down.

    Ten years as close as any brothers,
    We've only got different mothers.
    That doesn't matter in the least,
    We're family until we are deceased.
    Some wonder at how strange it sounds,
    But here brotherhood we've found.

    Submitted on 2009-12-08 06:39:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks for the comment on my poem, and you're right - it's absolute crap.

    I wrote it for an English project, and I'm sure I'll get the same response from my professor.

    I generally keep my nose out of poetry for that very reason - conveyed feeling should flow unobstructed by the technicalities of it's medium, and I can't do that.

    | Posted on 2009-12-15 00:00:00 | by Orin | [ Reply to This ]
      barlows right about the technical stuff, just wanted to say thanks for sharing the sentiment(really he's a great dude to take technical advice from, it's usually right on). but yeah, i think most of the second lines are fine, meaning wise. i think that last stanza is where things got a little stretched. all in all though not terrible, and in something like this, it's more about the sentiment, and personal meaning, which came across clear(in my opinion)
    | Posted on 2009-12-08 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      Rhymed couplets don't pair well with nostalgia and if there's an exception to that rule then the writer has to tink about sing a few different tricks like using feminine rhyme: exciting/enticing
    visual rhymes: {and for the life of me I can't think of an example right now) that share the same letters but differ in sound, and ways to break up the rhythm by perhaps chaning the syllabic count and accent at the start of lines etc.

    Here you have a few moments that are real keepers but a lot of the 2nd lines have content that is guided by the need to rhyme rather than what's heartiest to read.
    | Posted on 2009-12-08 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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