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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blind Relief dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladydeathstrike
    ASL Info:    27/F/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    5.27 - 259/284/94
    Words: 209
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 385
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1331



    Description:
       ...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Blind Relief dots
    -------------------------------------------


    And for years Iíve been going crazy
    And it happened all of a sudden
    One day I wasnít myself anymore
    One day I was in love
    And then the next I went blind

    That was the day I saw
    Through the visions of my third eye
    I saw the lies
    I saw the pain
    Predicting what would happen

    And I went mad
    To see the present/future playing out
    Like a holographic card
    Moving in and out
    Fluttering through time

    Nothing makes sense
    Everything holds me back

    Everything he wonít hold back
    One day he will be gone
    One day he wonít be mine

    And I see this through my third eye
    The blind eye
    The one who turned me mad
    The one who coaxed me blind

    And I kiss him
    Bitterly
    Knowing that Iím prepping the future
    Fluffing the pillows that wonít be mine

    And I leave everything as incomplete
    The madness taking over
    Rooting me in
    To the same spot

    And the third eye never closes
    Never blinks
    Never sleeps

    Counting down the days
    To when she comes
    Taking him away from me
    Leaving me to rest
    Killing my madness




    Submitted on 2009-12-09 23:44:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I tend to agree with Mr. Barlow. I appreciate the idea behind the poem-the sheer madness. I am particularly intrigued by the idea of the third eye and that you've placed yourself in the role of a sybil. (Hahaha, the irony of that movie title gets me everytime) You might could mention the word sybil to bring in that irony into your poemand really do like the piece. The only thing I would suggest is to take some time with it and really give it the finesse it deserves. Overall, a very good read. Thank you for posting!
    ~Clover
    | Posted on 2009-12-11 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
      this flows very well *honk

    but I liked very much how you worked the metaphor here, esp the prepping of someone for someone else. That's rather sad and quite delicious/beautiful.

    I also liked that this is pretty simple, simon where the language is concerned. If you can hit someone in the heart with that approach then the future bodes well.

    One thing I think you could do would be to use a careful hand with the third eye metaphor, that would helpyou shorten this and concentrate its power.

    You introduced the theme and expanded on it, and when you talk about prepping and pillows and a woman walking in to take him away then these are very strong points of emotion... they crry on the work of the first metaphor.

    I think this is potentially a gut punch of a poem.

    I liked it.
    | Posted on 2009-12-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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