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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Regret-Duette"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 658
    Class/Type: Misc/Angry
    Total Views: 877
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4339



    Description:
       Something for the two ex girlfriends who think they can take me down by teaming up.

    This needs improvement. any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Regret-Duette"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the distance
    I hear the war drums
    hum in slow sullen beat,
    such an eerie sound
    when hearts
    are pounded together.

    My disposed evils have merged
    into an allied coalition of thorns,
    with scalpling tips, sans roses.
    Their hammers of rage
    stand dressed with my face,
    decorated by cracks.

    A crimson pulse of rythms
    reveals them
    lining up for epic battle
    at my feet.
    My knowing once whispered
    of this coming impasse.

    The fuse is lit for the end of ways.

    These skulls
    know all my secrets
    and weaknesses
    told in trust,
    but none of them
    could fully breathe me in
    or get under my rusty skin.
    Time now, to please,
    come in.

    I know of their immaculate plans
    to ram me into devil's horns
    like a lunatic forced to
    copulate with demise,
    provided plentiful.
    How they crave.

    Slyly and somberly I prepare
    to give them lessons
    in how to bleed.
    I will instill ballads of failure
    with my inevitable scythe
    of discord.

    Sincerity, my only armor
    beside this dirk of truth,
    I will gladly thrust
    to pierce their coccoons
    and tricle out the pastes
    of bile conductor,
    their brazen giver of life-force.
    The god they bow to.

    Can they truly believe
    I am like them,
    feeding from
    bloodied apples
    quenched in sin?

    Horrible hates brew
    inside this bottle
    I keep sealed,
    dancing pregnant
    with a swirl of actions
    I loathe to enact.

    I fear its time
    to unchain my demons
    and swiftly summon
    their grimy fates,
    their musty parodies
    are the signatures they etch
    in tombstones promised.

    No wards
    can keep them safe,
    no barricades
    will ever block my gates.

    Let them find me now
    as grenade
    born without pin.
    Readied to inflict.

    I confess,
    I do not want to be like this,
    but they beg so beautifully,
    on pairs of bloodied knees
    hobbling in need.

    To say this will not hurt or scar
    eludes me for I posess no off-switch.
    This rapid concussion
    entails scant participation,
    except their timely deaths.

    Pin-riddled anguish
    has been my food for so long,
    can they avoid my scrutiny?
    Do not forget
    as they have studied me,
    I know their every flaw and glitch.
    The only difference is I enjoy dying,
    repetition has made it easy.
    Lessons from the past.

    Dare they pile blackness on my name
    and try push upon me all blame?
    I will smile as I chain them to the pyre
    and ready them their cloaks of fire.

    May the pieces of my heart they stole
    lash gashes in their dying souls.
    Standing together they cannot oppose
    even a fraction of my malice.

    How can I fear infantile quests
    when I grasp the wisdom of scrolls?

    I am amused to know
    they have cleverly poured
    their own poison chalices.

    Let them laugh, thinking I am filled
    from devouring their sticks & stones.
    I will bellow out contentment
    as I watch them flail the quicksand
    of lies slowly redeeming them,
    descending pits they prayed
    into existence.

    Convincing them I am down and defeated
    is my omni-tactical game.
    I cannot be touched by their madness
    as I exist on a different plane.
    Silly little jesting cretins,
    scuttling over burning bridges,
    seems all endings turn out the same.

    I hope they call in reinforcements
    for I need a bigger challenge.
    They think they know me,
    have they ever tasted my revenge?

    For them this mourning after
    will carry no promise of waking up.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2009-12-10 04:06:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First impressions? It reminds me of a death metal song. Maybe something by Slayer or Megadeth or Metallica or something of that ilk. Very dark and kind of Satanic with a feeling of burning hellfire and vengeance and maggoty death. Overall, your poem fits that theme very well. I think the main gist of what you want to say about these two girls could be condensed a little. There are some great lines, some not so good, and if you could filter out the rougher parts and keep the bits which have that solid resonance of anger and betrayal, then you'd be onto a winner, i think.

    Highlight for me? This verse:

    Dare they pile blackness on my name
    and try push upon me all blame?
    I will smile as I chain them to the pyre
    and ready them their cloaks of fire.


    That's not only a tidy piece of writing - encompassing everything you want to say in four succinct lines - but it also conjures up a great image. Nicely done.

    Good luck with smoothing this piece out. I'd be interested to read the final result when you do.

    | Posted on 2009-12-16 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      I thnk if you took out the last line of stanza one so it reads:
    'In the distance
    I hear the war drums
    hum in slow sullen beat,
    such an eerie sound
    when hearts
    are pounded together'
    and kinda leaves us to work out for ourselves that they're extracting vengeance from their (broken?) hearts. And the same thing with stanza three, chop out 'expectancy fulfilled' because you say that you expected it with the line before.

    And you have a typo in stanza four, it should read 'this skull...knows' That stanza is a gem, I love the end of it, the sort of solemn tone I hear in my head when I read it, good stuff :).

    I kknow you're going for this epic tone, but I think in stanza 6(?) if you just said 'I will instill ballads of failure'. Idk, I think the language you use does enough to make this epic tone powerful, mixing up syntax to sound old-world just kinda muddies the waters, if you know what I mean.

    I sort of understand stanza seven but I think it loses the clarity and strength of the poem up till then, maybe try re-wording slightly to make it...umm...bolder? Or something. (sorry, I hardly ever know what I mean, haha).

    Stanza eight, maybe 'I keep it securely sealed', feels less wordy so what you're saying is sharper.

    Stanza nine=amazing, so weird and magic-y and kind of JRR Tolkein or something. It sounds like something gandalf would say :)

    The grenade/pin metaphor you pull through the next verses is great.

    I think instead of 'Only difference' maybe 'The only difference' which know means using 'the' but it sounds lazy or something without that 'the', I don't think missing it out works there. And in the same way I think you need 'descending into the pits'.

    OMNI-TACTICAL WOOHOO. I vote we get that word in the dictionary.

    And your ending is hilarious. This is good stuff, funny and ballsy and all dramatic, epic battle stuff.

    Gangs of women are nasty. But I'm a people hater, so I would say that ;)
    | Posted on 2009-12-12 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      such an eerie sound
    when hearts

    are pounded together

    That is brilliant. I wrote a whole long review on this, and stupid frickin ES unsigned me out, and I lost it coming back in. I was telling you how it had a strong start, the rest marching in line grimly behind it, strong armies of words.

    I was saying there is a reason they call an 'ex' an X. X means, do not enter, back away, do not repeat failures, while most people think it's some kind of a 'crossroads' to return to at different points in the future...

    Women are always turning back around, which amazes me... if it's a doubling back to kill, that's one thing -- Rage I get. But revenge? Keying a car, making a rude phone call, being clit-catty crazy between men and boredoms? What's the point???

    Bored Bitches Bashing Before-Boyfriends...
    they organize. They invite their friends to play along too. They colonize and attack like ants.

    Magnifying glasses kill ants, you know... they can't withstand the scrutiny and the heat. LOL
    | Posted on 2009-12-12 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the description used in this piece. The format was slightly hard to follow in some places, but it definitely added an important element to how it is read. Some of the vocabulary used may be difficult for some readers, but again, I think it wouldn't be the same without the specific choice of words.

    Although I was somewhat disappointed with it's ending, I was pleased with the overall delivering of the piece. (Perhaps I'm too cynical...too sadistic to be happy with a less than tragic ending after the emotional build.) But nonetheless, I feel like it is a great piece. Keep up the writing and I look forward to seeing more masterpieces as time goes on.
    ~Dan
    | Posted on 2009-12-10 00:00:00 | by djtswing | [ Reply to This ]


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