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As I walked along the slick, black pavement
I saw it there
high among the branches.
A curved handle stuck in a crook of the trunk.
And it danced, oh it danced...
(Piano Trio number four)
the violin and piano accompaniment-
with elegant twirls, leaping skyward.
It was the grace of movement that struck me.
Though surely there was heartbreak for its capture in the tree, still it danced
a half-waltz, part fox trot.
And so I danced down the street
in an Umbrella Ballet
For I too am captured, but forever leaping skyward.
| I could have sworn I'd commented on this before... very visual, and I happen to love umberellas... the chinese rice parasol ones you carry to stroll in the sun, the antique kind with ornate handles (I had one once named George Henry, but that's a different story... yes, I name my umbrellas. No, I don't name my toaster or car, that would be utterly ridiculous...), even the various fold-outs and bubble-diving bell kind. I think umbrellas were possibly my first fixation as a child, the day I saw one without the material and just framed, the structure of it stuck in my head.... metallic, birdlike multi-winged creature dressed in stretched fabrics. They are amazing.|
That said, I love the thought of them flying away, the vision of people struggling with them in storms... your poem made me genuinely smile.
|| Posted on 2010-02-01 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ] || I think this is improved, though by now adding references to concertos is our modern day cliché, that really doesn't bother me because in this case it does fit.|
For me the second part of the poem still needs personal definition, catharsis, epiphany.
I think the deal is to take us in close for one intimate moment and then release the poem skyward.
capture and release are the key metaphors here and again, I'd really love to see one moment that reveals what she is released from.
Also, the narrative feels a little manufactured in those last 4-5 lines.
Better though, and at the end of the day it's your experience, but what I'm asking for is for me, the reader. This reader at least.
|| Posted on 2009-12-11 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ] || I see that someone gave this a thorough comment and I have to admit that I didn't read it, so all apologies if I'm being repetitive!|
Like the others, enjoy the idea behind it and I think what you have now is a starting point. I think that the little things, the random happenings and easy to miss should resurface in poetry. And this little dance you had with the umbrella reminds me of the delight a child takes in a balloon. Things should be that simple sometimes.
I think you could do a great deal with this by expanding it and making it more natural in tone. More colloquial. The content is already poetic and therefore doesn't need to try to hard to be a poem, if that makes sense.
|| Posted on 2009-12-11 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ] || Considering the title - and the very elegant idea behind it - caught my eye, I was sorely disappointed in the actual execution of the topic at hand - the wording, grammar, flow . . . the mechanics so to speak. There is a glimpse of very powerful imagery here, but as soon as you catch it it's gone, muddled by what seems to be haphazardly chosen wording in a couple of spots.|
At first glance Ireally couldn't pick out just what it was I didn't like, but I know just leaving a comment saying I didn't like it with no explaination or critique would be just rude so here is a sincere effort to offer ideas for improvement . . .
"As I walked along black, slick pavement
I saw it there
high among the branches-curved handle
stuck in a crook of the trunk"
A great set up, and nearly perfect as it is save for a lack of punctuation. I like your wording here, the simplicity and elegance of it, a dazed and enraptured kind of feel that I would perhaps like to see carry itself out. My suggestion here is to put a little thought into punctuation perhaps.
"And it danced, oh it danced...
perhaps to Chopin
or maybe it was some other composer."
I like the idea here, adding music to the scene you are creating is a magnificent idea that is pure poetic genius, but in the execution of this bold and wonderful device you atempt to employ, you suddenly become halting and unsure, jarring the reader from the magic you could have flowing here. I would suggest pehaps naming the artist or even better, the piece of music you wish to go with it and where you have a line of insecurity [or maybe it was some other composer] I would suggest perhaps some words on the music itself.
"It was the grace of movement that struck me.
The heartbreak of the capture in the tree,
did not restict its dance."
I get the idea that you like how graceful it is, it may be sad that it's captured, but it still dances well - however, 'did not restrict it's dance' seems a bit cold and inhumane for a poem that could flow so nicely. I'd try to search for a more poetic way to say that.
"A half-waltz, part fox trot, and wild new age..."
I would, perhaps, offer a suggestion akin to my earlier one on the music - pick one style and discribe it better so that your reader can more vividly picture it, but a part of me has come to kind of like it how it is.
"And so I danced down the street
in an Umbrella Ballet
for I too have been captured by the trees
in a high and windblown, wooden crag."
I am a very big fan of how you started with "And so I danced . . ." I love the way you so seemlessly and effortlessly brought the scene of a dancing umbrella back how to a point of personal relevance. I also find it glorious how you draw that observation even further down into a kind of introspection as you realize your own capture. My problem here lies in the way you do it - it makes little to no sense when you add "by the trees in a high and windblown wooden [craig]." I would perhaps stay with a feeling of vagueness as you bring the idea back to your own cature - possible ending it just with a "Far I too am captured" sort of thing. Either that, or draw it out a little more and explain what you mean you are captured by a little more clearly, though I would prefer the former to the latter. The whole poem has a sort of fine, dreamy elegance that I think you would do well to maintain.
As always, no offense was meant in my efforts to critique your work - I merely seek to offer a point fo view you may not have thought of in an effort to help you gain the self imporvement that it is implied one would seek in posting poetry in a place where people may comment on it. All in all I think this could polish up into something grand if you wished to work on it a little, but of course your work is primarily that - yours - and I would never be so audacious as to tell you what you must do to your own poetry, which is why I try to offer only discouse on your work and no specific suggestions for wording if I can help it.
|| Posted on 2009-12-10 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ] || Very interesting write. I found it very relaxing to read, whimsical in a way. How easily an otherwise rainy and "meh" day can be turned around by something as little as seeing an umbrella stuck in a tree. But the ending also adds a whole different element to it, "for I too have been captured by the trees." Although I would have loved to see you expand on that, I think it is equally as good to leave the reader to relate in his/her own fashion. Well done.|
|| Posted on 2009-12-10 00:00:00 | by djtswing | [ Reply to This ] || I like the idea here clover, and really idea isn't the right word since you are describing something quite wonderful to the narrator, however I think this poem would be richer if we got closer linkage between the narrator and the umbrella. By that I mean that the weaving of her story in with the moment would be immeasurably more captivating to a reader. |
Just my take on this particular one.
|| Posted on 2009-12-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ] |