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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Oh the Shame!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JoelIsHere
    ASL Info:    21/ Male/ Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.2 - 8/27/28
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 441
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 566



    Description:
       This was written about last night when... Well, if you read the poem, I think you can understand what happened...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOh the Shame!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    My heart leapt,
    My voice quivered,
    My hand ran down your side.

    So happy I was,
    That short little time,
    Before this tragedy.

    I never thought I have to see,
    The look on my Momma’s face,
    When she walked in on you and me.

    Her sickened, saddened glares,
    While we scrambled for our clothes,
    Made our wounded shame,
    All the more salty.

    Oh Divine beings above,
    Why did my momma have to see,
    Me and my lover Doing the Nasty?




    Submitted on 2009-12-11 08:42:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Now this is indeed embarrasing haha, i hate it when things like this happen, what a moodkiller hehe. Anyways this made me laugh and imagine the whole ordeal in my mind which was pretty hectic hehe. Good stuff.
    | Posted on 2009-12-13 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Now this is indeed embarrasing haha, i hate it when things like this happen, what a moodkiller hehe. Anyways this made me laugh and imagine the whole ordeal in my mind which was pretty hectic hehe. Good stuff.
    | Posted on 2009-12-13 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Hahahahahahahahahaha.
    More seriously though, I get this. Once me and my bf were sleeping over at my parent's house and well, you know, and I guess we weren't keeping the noise down enough because all of a sudden there's this hammering at the bedroom door and my mum starts yelling 'I don't what you two think you are doing in there, but I know what you're doing in there and WILL YOU KEEP THE NOISE DOWN'. Oh. God. I don't know how we got through breakfast the next day. I empathise with you on this. In a few years it'll be hilarious, I swear.

    I think stanza two would read better if you just said 'I was so happy'. I think mucking about with syntax can work but I'm not sure it quite fits here. And maybe try a colon at the end of the line 'before this tragedy'?

    I'm sending empathy-vibes your way. Hahahaha.

    | Posted on 2009-12-12 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay. I'm going to try and ignore the fact that this is written by my older brother, and focus on the piece itself.


    Third stanza: Should it be I never thought I'd {I would}


    I guess I can see why Nasty would be capitilized, possibly, but Doing? Doing seems like a random capitilization and it's a bit distracting from the piece.


    I personally like the rhythm of the whole piece. It's fun and upbeat. However...does it really fit the message of the piece? Ultimately, that's up to you.


    Thought it'd been awhile since I checked out your stuff, and I had the stalk alert in my inbox...


    So here's your comment. Nice write, Joel-bug.
    | Posted on 2009-12-11 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]


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