Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Miss Me


Author: mojymo
Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 50 /59 /41
Words: 123
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1215
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 838



Description:


For Jacob


Miss Me



I want you to miss my barbarism,
the incorrect pronunciations,
the halt and tumble of
bulky words
that make my ignorance
glare out from under the
rock of a brain in my skull.

I want you to miss the faces I make
across the classroom
when Time has attached itself
to our backs,
bent us over
until the tops of our heads
drag across the floor.

I want you to miss the bullet of my laughter,
powerful sound waves that compact molecules,
charging compressed atoms
with a million thrilling volts
thundering from the amp
that is my heart.

But more now than ever
I want you to miss me
just because I miss you.

End: 12:48 PM
12/10/09
Thursday




Submitted on 2009-12-11 20:00:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I do not think that I could have stumbled upon a more appropriate work right now if I tried. -honestly and truly. This piece of yours has made my heart flutter and stop at the same time. I completely understand what is being conveyed with this, all of this. I have loved so deeply, and I still do. -but recently our "team" that was to have lasted for "a long time" has been split. It is entirely heartbreaking. I have never been more miserable in my entire life thus far. My heart, if it had originally had wings...they would have been probably ripped off by now from the pain. My God. -what could I possibly do with these emotions?? Your piece has given me comfort though. -a great deal of comfort.

Thank you.
C.
| Posted on 2009-12-12 00:00:00 | by misschalloner | [ Reply to This ]
  Yes i know this feeling of missing someone till you are sick in your stomach and the world turns grey and nothing just quite tastes the same, this is an awful feeling i know from the times i used to feel, allowed myself to feel. These days its all the same. Anyways, this is powerful and sincere, the bullet reference was wow and for some reason i feel a hint of pain, buried deeply yet protruding somewhat. I enjoyed it.
| Posted on 2009-12-12 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
  It's good to be missed and sometimes excrutiating to miss someone.

I like the way you admit all this, right down to the final sentiment, as though it's not something you can say outloud and so wrote it down. I also enjoy that it is things that maybe set you apart from others that should be remembered and longed for; the things that make us so inherently us and not somebody else.

You have some great lines too, especially your last stanza.

I do wonder about line 4 in stanza two, is it meant to be 'our backs'? Really only thing I can see worth nitpicking. A good write.
| Posted on 2009-12-11 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



181043