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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: husk c. by ruejacobs December 11 2009 @ 2 amdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ruejacobs
    ASL Info:    39/feminazi/Gehenna
    Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 619/473/167
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 791
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1078



    Description:
       scattering the dust motes


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshusk c. by ruejacobs December 11 2009 @ 2 amdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i've come too late
    this larval shell is all that's left

    torn and terrifying
    some great winged being has broken free

    no, three
    no, five
    there were five of them

    separated only by decades and dust

    the graffiti scratched into the plaster
    where the beds once stood
    or painted in nail poilish on the closet walls

    now nothing is left
    but the ghosts of sobbing children

    and the malevolent dead

    walking dust, speaking dust

    if i take a breath
    the orb will shatter

    broken circle
    red rover
    those hands which clung to other hands
    pried apart
    and flung so far

    f**k the cradle, Mother
    it was a cage

    oh let it fall
    that dangling transparent husk

    the bough is breaking

    so many small things
    tumble to the earth

    an avalanche of souls
    a harvest fit for gods




    Submitted on 2009-12-13 09:14:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this one. The delivery works for me, and the imagery you've chosen conveys a sense of the emptiness of a place (or even a person) abandoned by the people who once made it a warm, or horrifying place. I'm not sure if it is someone returning home, or someone visiting a place that once belonged to strangers, it isn't clear, and really, shouldn't be. But it's the visionary quality that stands out here. You took time to see it, and gave it to us in a way that isn't so spoon fed that we feel it crammed down our throats.

    Well done.

    M~
    | Posted on 2010-01-31 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know, I like the atmosphere and I understand why you presented it this way and why switch between images this fast. I kinda like it, except the ending could have been much better and this line: red rover. Please take it out. :) It actually made me laugh, which it shouldn't but the first thing that came to my mind was South Park. Red rocket! Red rocket! :D

    A good write nonetheless.
    | Posted on 2009-12-17 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      nobody came too late.
    I was still that lost scared little girl that nobody thought I was. brave? I'm not brave. I missed out on being the girl i wanted to be. and that's why i can't forgive him. I shouldn't have to. I don't want to.
    -Rachel:)
    | Posted on 2009-12-17 00:00:00 | by PopRocksRae | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah, i agree with the clayman. While there's no doubting the intensity of this i feel as if it requires just a few lines here or there that would take us in closer to this particular story and personlize it. You have all the hard edged stuff in there and now i'd like to take a closer look at deer that fell to a hunter's knife, and know a little bit about their flight.
    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this is pretty sick, i enjoy the overall idea here but feel there is elaboration and descriptions needed in depth to give it color, i feel you fly over too many ideas too fast to give the reader time to absorb and be bound to. I enjoyed the piece in a weird occult/medieval strange kind of way. It did leave me thinking and wondering about what was said though...
    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]


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