Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Secret Gardendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: simpleandgreen
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 39/141/136
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 435
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1688



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Secret Gardendots
    -------------------------------------------


    I return to my secret hiding place,
    And grab the old brass key.
    I look around from left to right,
    Made sure no one was watching me.

    I scurried off to my favorite place,
    Kept running south, then half a mile west.
    I adore to visit before dawn.
    While the sky is still servent to the crest.

    At last! I approach the elegant iron gate.
    Covered with lucious vines of ivory.
    But it took me a minute to find the door.
    Chuckling, I finally turned the key.

    I opened the door with melodrama,
    As it groaned with old age.
    I waltzed in and started to distinguish,
    Scents of rose, honeysuckle, and sage.

    A distinct joy falls over me,
    As I saunter down the narrow pathway.
    The rising sun spilling out pinks and orange,
    Ah, what a peaceful day.

    All I hear is my footsteps,
    And a distinct tweeting sound.
    The gentle wind picks up rose petals,
    Which softly lowers to the ground.

    This spring morning is a great example,
    Of mother nature's magic.
    Warm skys, bright colors, and joyful tunes,
    Effects are calming, never tragic.

    Under the apple tree, I found my mother's swing,
    Rocking back and forth I felt so much at home.
    More at home than I felt in months.
    So that's why I started writing this poem.

    I have to say, I learned a lesson,
    Under this tree of Granny Smith.
    -As beautiful as something might seem,
    It's useless if you have no loved ones to share it with.





    Submitted on 2009-12-13 12:30:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This poem is really beautiful and poignant! A special place, hidden and secret, evoking the wonder of nature and special memories. I loved it!

    Some comments - ignore at your pleasure:

    "At last! I approach the elegant iron gate." - I have to say that I loved this line, especially the use of "At last! ..." It is a real turning point in this piece.

    "I waltzed in and started to distinguish," - I really liked this whole stanza, and thought you could give it more subtly by tweaking with this line. The "started to distinguish" felt a little hard for the following line "scents..." But then again, if that's what you were aiming for then bravo.

    "The rising sun starts spilling out pinks and orange," - you could probably lose the "starts" and leave it "The rising sun spilling out pinks and orange," or "The rising sun spills out pinks and oranges,". I just loved "Ah, what a peaceful day" - another great moment in this poem.

    The last stanza:
    "I have to say, I learned a lesson,
    Under this tree of Granny Smith.
    -As beautiful as something might seem,
    It's useless if you have no loved ones to share it with."
    Really nice. I agree with Modesty though - the last line seems a little out of place and pace with the rest of the poem. But it does bring home your point though.

    A couple of typos:
    - in the 5th line - "of" should be "off"
    - "More at home then I felt in months." the "then" should be "than"

    Really great poem! Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by m3l1e | [ Reply to This ]
      What a lovely thought. Somewhere secret to go and hide in peace away from everyone. The last line does not really fit, I'm afraid, you do not need anyone else to enjoy solitude. When you leave your secret garden you go back to your loved ones. A beautiful piece. I love your poems.
    | Posted on 2009-12-16 00:00:00 | by ModestyB | [ Reply to This ]
      awesome job :) keep writing!
    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by kathleenbrennan | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    181081

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Love written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Push written by JanePlane
    Ache written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    AI written by poetotoe
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry