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    dots Submission Name: A Secret Gardendots

    Author: simpleandgreen
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 39/141/136
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 485
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1688


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Secret Gardendots

    I return to my secret hiding place,
    And grab the old brass key.
    I look around from left to right,
    Made sure no one was watching me.

    I scurried off to my favorite place,
    Kept running south, then half a mile west.
    I adore to visit before dawn.
    While the sky is still servent to the crest.

    At last! I approach the elegant iron gate.
    Covered with lucious vines of ivory.
    But it took me a minute to find the door.
    Chuckling, I finally turned the key.

    I opened the door with melodrama,
    As it groaned with old age.
    I waltzed in and started to distinguish,
    Scents of rose, honeysuckle, and sage.

    A distinct joy falls over me,
    As I saunter down the narrow pathway.
    The rising sun spilling out pinks and orange,
    Ah, what a peaceful day.

    All I hear is my footsteps,
    And a distinct tweeting sound.
    The gentle wind picks up rose petals,
    Which softly lowers to the ground.

    This spring morning is a great example,
    Of mother nature's magic.
    Warm skys, bright colors, and joyful tunes,
    Effects are calming, never tragic.

    Under the apple tree, I found my mother's swing,
    Rocking back and forth I felt so much at home.
    More at home than I felt in months.
    So that's why I started writing this poem.

    I have to say, I learned a lesson,
    Under this tree of Granny Smith.
    -As beautiful as something might seem,
    It's useless if you have no loved ones to share it with.

    Submitted on 2009-12-13 12:30:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem is really beautiful and poignant! A special place, hidden and secret, evoking the wonder of nature and special memories. I loved it!

    Some comments - ignore at your pleasure:

    "At last! I approach the elegant iron gate." - I have to say that I loved this line, especially the use of "At last! ..." It is a real turning point in this piece.

    "I waltzed in and started to distinguish," - I really liked this whole stanza, and thought you could give it more subtly by tweaking with this line. The "started to distinguish" felt a little hard for the following line "scents..." But then again, if that's what you were aiming for then bravo.

    "The rising sun starts spilling out pinks and orange," - you could probably lose the "starts" and leave it "The rising sun spilling out pinks and orange," or "The rising sun spills out pinks and oranges,". I just loved "Ah, what a peaceful day" - another great moment in this poem.

    The last stanza:
    "I have to say, I learned a lesson,
    Under this tree of Granny Smith.
    -As beautiful as something might seem,
    It's useless if you have no loved ones to share it with."
    Really nice. I agree with Modesty though - the last line seems a little out of place and pace with the rest of the poem. But it does bring home your point though.

    A couple of typos:
    - in the 5th line - "of" should be "off"
    - "More at home then I felt in months." the "then" should be "than"

    Really great poem! Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by m3l1e | [ Reply to This ]
      What a lovely thought. Somewhere secret to go and hide in peace away from everyone. The last line does not really fit, I'm afraid, you do not need anyone else to enjoy solitude. When you leave your secret garden you go back to your loved ones. A beautiful piece. I love your poems.
    | Posted on 2009-12-16 00:00:00 | by ModestyB | [ Reply to This ]
      awesome job :) keep writing!
    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by kathleenbrennan | [ Reply to This ]

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