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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: -Unfinished-dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xxiknownowxx
    ASL Info:    16/F/GA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 128/41/40
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 528
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 410



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots-Unfinished-dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I had a broken-stringed guitar
    It's sound hole full of melted gold
    Surrounded by black paint spatter from painting the trim by the windows.
    Though the perfect golden noise it made
    If you just listened closely down the halls it rang
    Bringing joy to the passer-bys in their sinking metal boats with yellow shoes and purple ties, and that genuine look in their eyes




    Submitted on 2009-12-13 19:06:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ... i agree with those other two mugs, but... for a 15yrold this is just tremendous, and much like any other artistic talent age shouldn't really come into however you have to sit back and marvel.

    this was as exciting to read as a trip to willy wonka's choco factory and so I have to say a quick wow. wow

    think about the ending and how to keep the integrity of what you awanna say while also keeping the wonder factor intact. That's the challenge in poetry.

    Extremely well done.
    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there, I have to agree with Raphael in that this poem starts off great but the ending falls flat. The last two lines are too commonplace. I also wonder: what is it they had set in their minds, what lies in their hearts? Maybe some rendering of what those might be would provide a better ending? Just a thought. The part 'down the hall it rang' I think would be better worked as 'closely it rang down the halls' -- just to avoid an inverted sentence structure.

    Also, I think a little re-formatting would do a little good for this, just to provide cleaner line breaks and pauses throughout the write. I've found that by eliminating capitals at the beginning of each line it carries a smoother cadence and is less distracting to the eye.

    If I may:

    I had a broken-stringed guitar[;]
    [its] sound hole full of melted gold
    surrounded by black paint spatter
    from painting the trim by the windows.

    Though the perfect golden noise it made
    if you just listened closely it rang down the halls --
    bringing joy to the [passersby] in their sinking
    metal boats with yellow shoes and purple ties,
    and that genuine look in their eyes

    but they already had it set in their minds[;]
    their hearts still filled with such lies.

    ---

    I love this idea of a guitar sorta subjected to the world -- broken strings, filled with gold, a bit of unintentional paint splatter, still playing, and would love to see how you can evolve this idea further. It's a beautiful start.
    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      It's not the fact that you bring negativity to the poem in the last two lines. Rather, I think you ruin it because the last lines are so flat compared to the excellent start and mid section. One other thing: passers by not passer bys
    | Posted on 2009-12-13 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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