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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: propitiationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 769
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 699



    Description:
       about: something that just kind of came to me in the early morning hours today. the first two lines came and i wrote them down, and the rest followed easily. i'm interested to see what people may take from it, or how it makes them feel.

    feedback: all feedback welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspropitiationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    saw you in the valley
    burning down the sky
    reading from the book of life

    thought i smelled redemption on your breath
    caught myself praying as i watched you read
    can't decide to fashion a cross or fall to my knees

    your eyes came up to meet my judas stare
    felt the holy ghost fall down my spine
    your easy smile is hard to forget

    "why don't you come sit with me a while?"
    my eyes dropped like anchors and held back the sea
    "...i can't."

    you gave an understanding nod
    of course, you already knew
    i had a cross to make that was fit for you




    Submitted on 2009-12-14 12:12:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      

    i love how you start this. really. i almost think you should drop the last three lines and leave us with "...i can't". the line before is strong enough to imply the pain of saying just that.

    this part is great -

    thought i smelled redemption on your breath
    caught myself praying as i watched you read
    can't decide to fashion a cross or fall to my knees

    this whole write speaks to me... i think about my own struggles and failures. paths i have taken. choices i have made. the times i walk towards or away from. how difficult I make it.
    worse, knowing how redemption feels. how redemtion feels and how easily i can forget about it. suffering is an option. but it is sometimes a necessary in order to gain perspective.

    i was thinking today, am i living it? am i living love?


    just thoughts unspecified.
    | Posted on 2009-12-15 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      I think poetry can be about story and you're at your best here when you're grabbing at odd lines such as you might pick up at a garage sale...
    and there's a strong rhythm here that you almost see to fruition, as the poem went on it was almost as if you went further away from that tangible feeling that compelled you to write this in the first place, as if you got lost in the technical challenge and needed to pick up again the heart of the poem. I find this interesting though and would like to see if you can iron out some of those problems and then refine it.
    | Posted on 2009-12-14 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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